Anon hate: Cut it out!

Recently, whilst browsing around, I came across this post:

                                      Since this message was aimed at a teenager this post will be about teenagers

Now, I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Some shameful coward trolling through social networking sites looking for the next target for his/her spiteful venom. The things that get said are rarely accurate and are often laughed off because of their pathetic tone. Others, like this, actually hurt people. And usually when I see these things I am silently disgusted but this time something was different. I am sick of seeing this kind of attitude online; I’m tired of hearing it outside and I am fed up of it existing.

If someone has scars from self-harming, it should be clear that their self-esteem isn’t great so anything, like that message, said to them is going to have some kind of negative impact. But what really gets to me about this message is the claim that no one with scars will be loved. No decent, right-minded person is going to leave someone or reject them just because they have scars.

Self-harm scars are not a factor in whether I love someone or not. It’s whether they send messages like this. If you send a message like this then I do not want you in my life, in any way. People with this kind of attitude are twisted.

NEWSFLASH! Self-harming does not make you a bad person; it does not define you as a person and it definitely isn’t disgusting - the reasons behind you feeling that way are, your way of dealing with it whilst staying alive is not. That’s not to say that someone’s scars aren’t important - the scars show you there’s a story to be told. The scars tell you that this person has been pushed to their limit and they show that this person is not perfect and things haven’t been easy but they are strong and they are a fighter and they are worth every second of your time. That doesn’t mean I recommend it as a coping method, I definitely do not – each individual injury helps you cope but only for two seconds (if that), in the long run it just makes you feel worse.

“Scars remind us of where we’ve been they don’t have to dictate where we’re going”. Those words sum up my feelings on this exactly. A person’s scars, be they physical or otherwise, do not determine their life and they should not be the reason you reject someone. I know for a fact that someone’s scars can be one of the reasons you love them.

Messages like the one I showed you are often sent by people anonymously which says a lot about them. Because while they have these thoughts and they’re happy to share them, they’re too scared to admit that they are this vile because they know that for every person they send this to there are thousands of people who will see it and send them messages back and they aren’t big enough to take it.

This blog may not be my best, it may not have funny moments like I put in others, it may not even be good at all but I really don’t care. I couldn’t make it funny – I could put a long ranting list of insults up about that anon. who posted the message that inspired this but I won’t. I could say that I’m surprised he/she managed to stop dragging their knuckles long enough to learn how to use a computer, but I won’t. Messages like that one make me angry, they show the ignorance some people have about self-harm and the shallow attitude towards love. If you reject someone just because they have self-harm scars then you are not worthy of that person anyway. To the anon. who wrote that message, I hope you put all of your money on that bet because you’re going to lose.

We're swinging this way, that way, forwards and backwards over the bigoted sea!

The spotlight is always on gay people and the hard times they go through – the homophobic attacks; discriminatory laws and so on. And, while these things are problems, they often overshadow another common prejudice known as Biphobia. This prejudice presents itself in many different ways and while it can come out in the same ways as homophobia, there is a whole other culture of discrimination faced by bisexual people.

When gay people come out they are often faced with straight people stating “it’s just a phase” and while that can be hard for them to deal with, it could be argued that these statements are worse for bisexuals. Statements like “it’s just a phase” or “you’re just confused” are said to bisexuals, not only by straight friends and family, but also by members of the gay community. Being openly bisexual is difficult. If you’re male and say you’re bisexual you are immediately presumed gay and cowardly by some of the gay community and some of the straight community – this can mean that (while some argue it’s easier to find a partner if you’re bi because there are more options) it is arguably more difficult as gay guys don’t want to go out with “closet cases” and straight girls don’t want to either. For bisexual girls it’s even more complicated. More feminine girls who say they are bisexual can be seen by lesbians as “fakers” – meaning they’re only into girls when there’s a guy there to entertain. For the less feminine girls who come out as bisexual, it’s not much easier. They are instantly tagged as being a lesbian who is too afraid to come out fully and that leads to harsh treatment from many different angles.  Whilst doing a little research for this post I came across a few tweets that various people had posted and below you will see those tweets and my responses.

Response: no more or less cool than you would be if your friend weren’t all bisexual girls.

Yes, you could say it’s great he wants all his friends to be bisexual girls – it shows he doesn’t have a problem with bisexuality, that he’s not prejudiced. WRONG! This attitude can only be rooted in the belief that bisexual girls will perform sexual acts on each other for no reason other than to entertain a man. These men just see bisexual girls as live porn. There is no regard as to whether the girls will be attracted to each other; it is purely thought that they will do it because the man wants them to. This could lead into a big rant about sexism and how he only sees women as objects created with the sole purpose of pleasing him but let’s ignore that for now. This guy is as prejudiced as the one I will show you next. He may not be blatantly stating his prejudice but it is there. If he wasn’t prejudiced then why would he care about the sexuality of his friends? Why would he specifically want bisexual girls, not guys?

Response: while you’re on the internet why don’t you use it to educate yourself about Pansexuality – it will blow your teeny-tiny bigoted excuse for a mind.
Bisexual people are not “greedy” – they do not necessarily date more than one person at a time and they do not necessarily get more sex than anyone else does. They are not necessarily attracted to more people than anyone else – they merely have more variety in the aesthetic of the people they are attracted to. I’m not saying bisexuals like males and females equally, but they do like both and as such get a wider variety. The idea that bisexuals are greedy, indecisive and confused is so outdated. I honestly didn’t think people said this anymore. Surprising what Twitter can teach you. People who have this attitude – you are wrong. No discussion, no debate. Case closed, court adjourned.

Response: Incorrect! Your tweet makes no sense at all. As in if we measured how much sense that tweet makes it would register a big ol’ ZERO. What you mean is, “I would like to try having an intimate and/or sexual interaction with a female”. Your tweet does not make sense. You cannot try to be bisexual – you either are or you are not. You can experiment; try new things; see what it’s like to be with a member of the same sex; explore your sexuality and as long as you don’t hurt anyone in a bad way that’s all fine and dandy. You cannot try to be bisexual. You just can’t.

This kind of statement just fuels the attitudes of people like the guy who posted the first tweet. Due to the common occurrence of straight girls getting intimate with each other just to please men, bisexuality in feminine women is belittled and demeaned and seen as just one more way for men to be happy. Feminine lesbians get this too. This manipulation of Sapphic intimacy leads to many problems. Two girlfriends (as in, two females who are in a relationship) go out together they often get harassed by men asking for a “free show” or they ask for details of the girls’ sex life. These men think that these girls are only together for the benefit of men and that the private, intimate details of their relationship are up for public consumption just because they are two girls. Or, one thing that also happens, the guy asks the two girls for a threesome because what sexual experience is complete without a penis and his genitals?! I will say, girls, if you are curious about being with other girls – that’s cool. Just don’t call yourself bisexual. Be honest and say you want to try but you’re not sure how it’ll go. There are enough bisexual girls/lesbians who will be more than happy to help you out – trust me, I know a couple of them. But be honest about what you’re doing. Tell the girl that you’re curious do not say that you are bi because in a lot of these situations the “bi” girl turns out to be straight and this leads to a whole heap of drama. So straight girls STOP IT! And gay girls – learn the difference between a straight faker/bicurious girl and a genuine bisexual, it’s really not that difficult.

 

Response: Grow up! Seriously?! More men who view bisexual girls as sex crazed objects who will put on a show with their female friends. I do not understand why the quality of a person is based purely on their sexuality, by these guys. Honestly, I don’t get it. Please see response to first tweet. I just feel like I am losing IQ points just by trying to understand what is going on in your head.

Response: Well, it’s a different opinion from the other guys but still, wow are you stupid. A major turn off is using “your” instead of “you’re” or calling The Doctor “Doctor Who” or not liking Marvel even a tiny bit. Those kind of things are turn offs (for me) not whether she likes to bang dudes as well. Again, brain power decreases as more time is spent trying to process this.

Response: just because someone is bisexual does not mean they are attracted equally to men and women. It just means they are attracted to both. This person you’re tweeting about might be more attracted to men than women. OR, now careful this might be a bit complicated for you, maybe this person just didn’t find those girls attractive! Gasp! I know! It’s shocking isn’t it?! Oh am I being too patronising?! What a pity. I really don’t care.

This whole idea that being bisexual means you’re attracted to men the same amount as you’re attracted to women is ridiculous. Also, the idea that being bisexual means you’re more interested in guys than girls – so bisexual girls prefer guys and so do bisexual guys – is mind-blowingly stupid. But a whole big ranty paragraph can be summarised with the use of a tweet.

I believe this is my last dickfaced tweet.

Response: I honestly don’t believe that a punch in the face will make you any smarter. Doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. Why can a guy not be bisexual but a girl can? It’s ridiculous. You sir are a small-minded idiot. It is as possible (though less common) for a guy to be bisexual as it is for him to be straight. Okay.

The above attitude could be down to the belief that bisexuals are cowardly gay people who can’t fully come out yet. This idea is blind prejudice. Someone’s not straight and therefore must be gay? No, that’s not how the world works. Bisexuality is a genuine thing, it is real, it exists so deal with it. To be fair though, prejudice isn’t totally to blame for this. This idea that bisexuals are just cowardly gay people is due to ignorance, yes, but it’s also the fault of many gay people who used bisexuality as a stepping-stone in their coming out process. Many gay people initially come out as bisexual and then later on redefine themselves as gay. This could be for many reasons. A person might do this if he/she genuinely thinks they’re bi but later realises they’re actually gay; a gay person could initially come out as bisexual in order to maintain the hope for their parents that they could still end up with a partner of the opposite sex and have the big ol’ white wedding; it could just be to soften the blow of the whole coming out process or maybe it’s a precaution – many people (myself included) believe sexuality to be fluid so some gay people could come out as bi in order to cover the bases in case they do get with someone of the opposite sex. What ever the reason is, it belittles this genuine identity to being nothing more than a service station on the road to homo-town. And I am not attacking the gay people who do this – I mean, I am guilty of doing this – I am just saying that it does some damage that needs to be fixed.  

In conclusion, bisexuality is a real thing. It is possible for people to be attracted to males and females. If someone identifies as bisexual then this does not detract from their personality or make them any less of a person than I am for being gay or my parents are for being straight. The only thing to do with bisexuality that makes you less of a decent person is biphobia. Final notes: if you are a girl (or guy) who is confused about your sexuality don’t choose bisexual as your label, don’t choose anything until you know for sure what you are because while your discovery of who you are is a great journey by using a false label you are causing problems for others. If you are a person who thinks that because a bisexual doesn’t like males and females equally, they are not bisexual – sit down and shut up. They are less bisexual for having a preference than you are less straight/gay for turning down that guy/girl who asked you out. And finally, big final statemtent – if you are a guy who thinks that bisexual girls are nothing more than your play things and that having them in your life will make you so much happier because you won’t have to pay for porn then do us all a favour: delete your Twitter account, get off Facebook, wave bye bye to the internet and crawl into a deep dark cave until you evolve into a properly functioning human.

This blog post was inspired by Lyndsey Higgins. You can find her on Twitter: @LyndseyJHiggins she’s a good laugh and follows back so go for it.

Please leave your thoughts on this topic in the comments section – I would LOVE to read them, only fair since you’ve just read mine.

Small incidents, huge consequences.

It never fails to amaze me when a random event has a huge impact on my life. It can be beneficial to me or it could be soul-destroying, either way it fascinates me when it changes my opinion on something; my outlook on life or anything else.

The reason these things surprise me is because they are things that I don’t even expect to happen. I mean, a date that you plan with a gorgeous girl can have a major impact on you if it goes better or worse than you expected but that’s because something was planned. The random events that you didn’t even know could happen until they’ve already started.

I have two main examples of the vast effect these events can have on you.

Positive event:

I was sitting around in the park with my friend Jess – because we’re that cool – and just as we were getting ready to leave a dog came bounding over to us. Now, usually when a stranger’s dog comes over the owner will shout the dog back and get away as quickly as possible. This time was different. The (later discovered to be lovely) man checked with us that we were okay with dogs and came and had a chat with us while his dog investigated us new people.

This lovely (told ya) man talked to us about the fact that I don’t sound like a local, my home town, plans for after summer, his work, his family and we had a lot of banter too.

He’s a total legend.

This whole thing with him changed my outlook on people. I’ve been through things in my life which have resulted in me not liking or trusting people I meet. He has proven to me that people can be kind and charming and that not all of them are spiteful and cruel. This experience with him has completely changed me and it all happened because of chance. Jess and I just happened to still be in the park at the time he decided to walk his dog. If we had left 10 minutes earlier this whole thing never would’ve happened.

Negative event:

My sister ran away from home (again) and I went with Mum to look for her. We eventually found her – after driving round half the town – and these two boys (I know) were there with her. I got out of the car to get my sister. My foot had barely grazed the surface of the pavement when I heard it, “there’s the dyke!” My sister told them off but it didn’t stop them. So, once she was in the car and the comments were continuing I stayed back to tell them off. Mum drove away and I went over to one of the boys (let’s call him Twatface) and said, “next time you’re going to say something about me, try saying it to me not my sister.”
As soon as I’d finished saying that, Twatface’s sister appeared and asked me what was going on.

Me: “He’s been barking shit at my sister about me and I told him not to”

TF’s sister:  “There’s no reason to swear, did I swear at you? No I didn’t!
                    And that’s brother.”

Me: “Yeah, my sister’s 12 and he’s harassing her.”

TF’s sister: “he’s 13”

Me: “I know”

TF’s sister, “and I’m 21 and he’s my brother and I’m going to defend him.”

I turned back to Twatface and said, “you going to back off?” and he went “yeah.” His big sister joins in with, “he gets the message.” I said, “good” and left.

I hadn’t been aggressive towards them, I even made sure my body language was calm. Hers on the other hand couldn’t have been worse. Jolting her shoulders forward when she spoke, wide eyes when she was staring at me (and she was properly staring). Had to stop myself from telling her to calm down. Now, I wasn’t being a dick, that’s just the way I talk especially when I’m angry – she doesn’t know that, fair enough.

But this whole thing brought back memories of school when I would be made to feel like it was my own fault I was being bullied and that I’m the one who deserves to be punished. After I left there I headed to my friend’s house and the word “dyke” and other’s like it were thrown at me like confetti at a wedding. It hadn’t been this bad in weeks!

Four years worth of anger, frustration and misery hit me in about 4 seconds and I crashed. I couldn’t cope with it and I forced myself to spend time with my friend so that I didn’t throw myself onto the train tracks or jump into the middle of the road.

It probably sounds stupid that such a small thing (man in the park or TF’s sister) could cause me to react in such a huge way way and possibly sounds like I’m being a dramaqueen and making mountains out of mole hills. Trust me, I’m not. This is the point I’m trying to make, small events can have massive impacts on people. One tiny thing can bring back all sorts of memories and/or feelings and cause you to feel the way you did at those times that’s what happened with TF’s sister – she made me remember how I felt when those Teachers in school made it all seem like my fault and the people shouting at me on my way down the street just caused me to feel the extreme emotions I felt when it was happening on a daily basis.  

I bet you all have those memories – be they exceptional or demoralizing – of things that have happened which you couldn’t have planned for.  They happened purely out of chance and the random events of life. Sometimes, these memories can be the best ones you’ll ever have.

I’d just like to add, I’m not angry at TF’s sister she was only doing exactly what I was doing – defending her sibling. I’m angry at her brother, his friend and everyone who shouted things about me while I was walking down the street. But, looking back, there was definitely a reason to swear.

Recipe for Ignorance Pie – it’s dry and sticks to your throat like shit on a shoe.

Take some extremely annoying people, a pinch of ignorant ideologies and a dash of offensive language. Add them all together and you have my least favourite group of people. A small group of heterosexuals that are just as – if not more – annoying than homophobic religious groups, with an IQ smaller than their shoe-size.

This group talk to you about your sexuality constantly and during this repeated conversation about how “being gay is okay” they tell you about the countless fights they have had with homophobic people that day and how they have told people off for saying things like “that’s so gay”.  First of all, it is blatantly obvious that these fights haven’t taken place, because if you started yelling and throwing punches in the middle of a class, as you claim to have done, the teacher would have stopped you and you would’ve been excluded. Not to mention the fact that you could not fit 20 full on fist fights and 32 yelling matches into one school day. The second thing that tells me this hasn’t happened is that I have seen you laughing at homophobic comments that people have made at me so why would you stand up to them any other time? Do yourselves a favour and shut the fuck up!

When these lovely people talk to you about your sexuality – which, I might add, is all the fucking time – they tell you that they know what you are going through and they know exactly how you feel. No you really don’t*. Okay, you may have been bullied before but it’s not the same thing. I know it hurts when someone makes fun of you for (let’s say) being fat, I know because I have been there. But the fact is that you can change your weight, if you want to. Being discriminated against for being queer/bisexual etc. is different – you can’t change that, no matter how hard you try. So you really have no idea what it is like because when it comes to sexuality based discrimination, you are privileged. And to be honest that is the only time you are better off because when it comes to other aspects of life you are inferior on every level. And if you would like that simplified so your tiny brains can process it, I mean...you’re a dick!

It gets worse. If you are one of those people who hasn’t accepted not being straight (yet), never let these people find out! They tell you that “you shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are” and that “there is nothing wrong with it”. Fuck off you complete and total ignorant twat!

.

Oh my God!  The phrase “I’m okay with the whole gay thing...” is one of their personal favourites. I don’t give a flying fuck whether you are “okay with it” or not, dickhead. The fact is that you are such a prick I would (honestly) rather you weren't “okay with it” because at least then we wouldn’t be having this conversation AGAIN. (I was trying to work out my own feelings towards my sexuality at the time I first had this conversation, and these people just made matters worse.)

The second-worst thing these people do is totally and utterly, breath-takingly fucked up. For some bizarre reason, something in these peoples’ heads tells them that because they know a gay person they can use words like “faggot” and make offensive jokes about gay people and get away with it. Fuck off! Just because you’re friend is queer/bisexual or your sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s friend’s mother’s old work mate’s uncle saw a gay man once twenty years ago, does not mean you are allowed to make offensive jokes or use offensive language like that.

  

But as far as I am concerned the worst thing these people do – by far – is claim to be genuine allies. And to all of these people, I have this to say:

1.       A genuine ally will not lie about fights they have had with homophobic people and they would not laugh at any homophobic comments - because a real ally finds them just as sick and demeaning as the people they are aimed at.

2.       A genuine ally will not only talk to a queer person about their sexuality – sure it may come up in conversation but the fact is they know there is more to us than being queer.

3.       A genuine ally might tell you that they understand how you feel but (at least in my experience) they will never tell you that they know exactly what it is like*.

4.       A genuine ally also does not need to say out loud that they are okay with people being gay/bisexual etc. because they show it. When a comment is made they will confront the person that makes it or they will comfort the person that is offended, either way they do not feel the need to say “I don’t mind if you’re gay” or any of that shit.

5.       And finally a real ally will not make homophobic jokes or use words like “faggot” because they know that it is wrong and offensive no matter how many queer people they know.

Anyway, people probably will not like this and to be honest I wrote this because I was angry and I thought that there might be others out there that are angry for the same reason. Also, I thought, this might educate people to not claim to be an ally unless they actually are one.

Oh, and I know I did not mention every sexuality and there is a reason for that: I don’t know all of the names so I cannot type them all out...sorry.

* this does not apply to people who have experienced racism or sexism.