Angry (Blog)

As I have mentioned in a couple of previous blog posts I have an extremely obsessive love of the comedian/actor/writer/musician Tim Minchin – in fact, my love of him borders on addiction. Recently, I have been unable to keep up my cyber-stalking due to other commitments and tonight (22/12/2011) I was excited because I would have time to catch up on all that I have missed. So you can imagine how genuinely excited I was when I opened up YouTube and saw that Tim Minchin had a new video up, I stopped talking to everyone on Facebook and focused all of my attention on this. I opened the video and watched it. The video started with Jonathan Ross, introducing Tim Minchin, on his show, this got me even more excited because I knew it was a new song, which meant one thing – Timbo was going to be on Wossy this week. I watched the video, listened to the song and loved it. It was a mild yet funny song about Christmas, describing Jesus with modern references i.e. Derren Brown and Dawn of the Dead. It did strike me as weird that the song would be put up before the show so I read the video information and you can imagine how thrilled I was when I saw that this song had been cut from the programme due to the offence it could cause a small amount of people who probably don’t even watch Jonathan Ross (the guys from “The Inbetweeners” were on that same episode. I seriously doubt that the prudey-right-wing-conservative-anti-condom-Mary-was-a-virgin-the-Earth-is-only-6,000-years-old-Brigade, who think “raping children is fine but falling in love with a member of the same sex is wronger than evolution” are hardcore clunge fans.

This song, “Woody Allen Jesus” was inoffensive (in comparison to what it could be like), well worded and brilliant. I thought ITV was a great network but if they can’t allow this song to be put on, when (previously) the BBC allowed “5 Poofs and 2 Pianos” to be performed, then I’m going to have to rethink my preferences (not women, they’re always tops, except when they’re bottoms – oh yeah!)

Here’s one verse of this song:

“Jesus was a great entertainer
Doing cool tricks all of the time
Turning water into wine
Making stormy weather fine
Even now his stunts confound us
Kinda did what Derren Brown does”

Does anyone see the offensiveness there? Seriously?! It’s ridiculous! This is how the verse breaks down:

Compliment

Examples supporting the compliment

Further flattery

Pop-culture reference to explain why the compliments are deserved.

Turns out the song was cut out because one gutless-fuckwit at ITV was worried about all the complaints they would get due to the offence that would be caused by the song. Jesus – fucking – Christ, for all the fuss it’s caused, you’d think he’d played Pope Song for fuck’s sake. I would actually understand it if people made this much fuss over Pope Song because (as a friend of mine told me) the word “fuck” is used (including, within words like “fucker” or “fucking”) 108 times in that short song and people don’t like that word much.

This whole situation drives me crazy. I hate it when comedians get (basically) punished when they’ve done nothing wrong. I know, I get offended by stuff but I don’t go to the papers and complain about it, I don’t even write about it on here (I write about stuff that angers/confuses/frustrates me but never something that simply offends me, at least I don’t think I have) I discuss it with my friends – specifically (if it’s LGBT...related, as it mostly is) Jo-anna, and we: rant about it; talk about it; agree about it and that’s how I get it out of my system. You don’t need a massive media-hype about shit that doesn’t even matter. This is just one time I have read a story like this and thought, “grow the fuck up!”

A separate (though not unrelated) example of this kind of idiocy is “Sachsgate” – if you don’t know what that is then where have you been?! This was the front-page news for at least a couple of months in the UK and it was ridiculous! Russell Brand had a radio show with the BBC. One week he had Jonathan Ross on his show (his name seems to be a pattern in these stories) and he was meant to have a comic actor called Andrew Sachs on as well. But Sachs did not show up, so Russell being Russell, he decided to phone him and leave a message. A while into the message when Russell is doing his thing Wossy shouts, “he fucked your granddaughter”. Not a very clever thing to say, I agree, but not worth complaining about. To be fair, only a few people actually complained about it when the show was on but when the papers wrote about it, people (who hadn’t heard the clip and never listened to the show) complained as well, which resulted in Brand and Ross resigning. This baffled me. These two guys were punished for saying something on a pre-recorded show (yes, editors had a chance to cut that out but they didn’t) that hardly anyone (who originally heard it) complained about. It’s pathetic! My motto for TV and Radio has always been “if you don’t like it, don’t watch it”. No one is sitting there forcing you to listen to or watch something (and if they are then you don’t have to pay attention). You can go to your friends and say “that was a load of shit, wasn’t it?” that’s fine but save the complaining for important issues not a joke that didn’t go well. Also, Russell and Wossy are great but was this really worth the front page in most papers, everyday for a couple of months? There are more newsworthy things to report (especially on the front page) than pathetic shit like this. I mean come on, did all other areas of life cave in at the exact moment that this kicked off? I doubt it.

I’ve only ever officially complained about something on TV once and that was something I actually saw on TV. It was a clip, that was recorded during the student protests in England, of a man in a wheelchair being dragged out of it by police and the distasteful interview of the guy in the wheelchair that followed a couple of days later. He was treated despicably and I thought he deserved an apology. That’s the kind of shit you should complain about! Not a fucking joke you didn’t even see!

Another example of these stupid situations involves JimmyCarr. Forgive me for this because I can’t remember the exact details of the incident but here are the basics. During a live (un-televised) gig Jimmy Carr made a joke (I believe it was about injured soldiers) and one of the audience members went to the papers, complained and Jimmy Carr was torn a new one. Complaints and criticism flooded in, bashing him and saying how shit he is. I heard about this and thought, “fuck right off!”

1)      This was not being recorded, it was a live gig in a theatre with no chance of ever being on TV. He can make jokes about anything – that’s the beauty of live comedy.

2)      Jimmy Carr does a lot of work with charities that help rehabilitate injured soldiers so any idiot would know (if they did their fucking research) that he didn’t mean it.

3)      This is for the original stupid bitch who complained. You paid over £25 for a ticket to see a comedy gig. A Jimmy Carr gig!!!!! A gig performed by a man who has said numerously about his shows,      “It's not for the easily fucking offended. It's not even for people that are difficult to offend. Essentially it's for people who are without a moral compass.” If you go to see him live, you know what to expect. It’ll be dark, twisted, belly-bursting jokes, thrown at you a mile-a-minute. You’re offended? Good for you! You have a right to be offended, but surely if you pay attention to the rest of his material then you’d realise other people in the room might be offended too. His material covers every social group! In his last tour he did a mime of “two lesbians breaking up” he used his hands to motion scissoring and made suction noises as he pulled them apart – I was at a gig when he did that, I found it hilarious!

4)      Finally, the key point in this argument. It’s Jimmy – fucking – Carr he tells jokes about everything. He doesn’t mean half the shit he says, it’s just funny. And even more to the point, that’s his job!  

I’ve already written a lengthy blog about the other situation, which got to me, regarding comedians and inappropriate, uneducated, ignorant complaints. It’s called, “Newsflash: Tim Minchin’s Transphobic and Bears StopShitting in the Woods!” give it a read, it’s one of my favourites (and leave a comment, if you haven’t already).

Coming to the end of this post, I feel (as I usually do) like I have rambled on for too long without making my point clear. So, I’ll do one final bit to push the message home. To clarify, I do not, in anyway think that a group’s feelings are illegitimate just because they are a minority, I mean DUH I’m part of a minority. I also do not disagree with censorship in order to protect people’s feelings and lives. I do, however, believe that when censoring anything, you need to be realistic. There is no point removing a song about Jesus from a programme because it might offend people, when the people who might be offended, probably don’t even watch it. Basically, there is no point putting “F**K” instead of “FUCK” in a because, as Tim Minchin pointed out,“F**K means ‘FUCK’ more than ‘FUCK’ means ‘FUCK’”.

HAPPY NEWTONMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!

Shits and (Excessive) Giggles

Some people like music: they go to concerts to see their favourite bands; they have posters of their favourite musicians on their walls and have their favourite song set as their ringtone. I like music too, I like to sing it, I like to play it (or try to anyway) and my ringtone – at one point – was a song written by my friend. I have been to one music concert (that wasn’t comedy – I’ll explain later) which was a Deep Purple gig (I’ve loved them since I had the ability to hear from the womb) and I have a poster of my favourite singer on my wall – Ian Gillan.

But since October 2008 I have been to NINE comedy gigs – arenas and theatres. I have posters of comedians on my walls and my ringtone is a song by a certain comedian (whom I shall tell you about later); the wallpaper on my phone is a photo of a comedian; the majority of my DVDs are stand-up comedy; I bring it into conversations; I quote comedians during arguments (which you will see if you read my blog on Christianity); I have used and still use comedians as revision for some tests and I NEVER stop thinking about it.

It’s the reason I get up in the morning; the cause of any smile on my face; the thing that gets me through the day; the thing that prevents me from sleeping; the reminder of how great things are and (to put it simply) it’s my life. Stand-up comedy. I love it! It’s the only thing that makes me truly accepted. It fascinates me, to no end – the way that one person can string words together and come up with comic-gold! It’s amazing.

People who say “I don’t like comedy” annoy the FUCK out of me – hey dipshit, you like to laugh, you like comedy. Think it through! I have a varied sense of humour. I love the light-hearted observational stuff (like Lee Evans) and I love the dark, twisted, sick-as-fuck stuff (like Jimmy Carr – who says everyone has their limit when it comes to dark humour, just so you know I haven’t found mine yet).

So, because comedy is so important to me, I thought I would write about my favourite comedians and tell you why I love them (some in a more obsessive way than others).

Lee Evans

Who: Lee Evans is a brilliant comic. He takes his material from various aspects of life and he can make anything funny – whether it’s chat lines or speed dating. He talks about family, sex, the general public, and observations he has made, and he does all of this whilst dashing around like a monkey(boy) on crack – his movements make his shows eye-catching and astounding. Then to finish off his show he gets the piano out and performs a song/songs that he has written. His modesty, humbleness and charm are clear throughout his performances and he always makes sure his fans know he loves us and he tells us that he knows how lucky he is. He genuinely doesn’t realise how much we love him – which just makes him even more adorable. He is Britain’s top comedian, he holds the world records and he tries new things. He was one of the first comedians to try out theatres; he was one of the first to move up to arenas and he was the first comedian to have his gig filmed in 3D.

Gigs: This man was my first live gig. He popped my live comedy-cherry and I don’t regret it one little bit. I remember asking my Dad for the tickets for this gig and to be honest I was shocked to get them because he didn’t even try to get them until 2 weeks after I asked. As soon as I found out I got them I was instantly texting my Auntie inviting her to come with me – she was almost as excited as me. Few months later the day arrived and after we went out for dinner we arrived at the arena and found our seats. Sat there in anticipation just waiting to see the man we had admired from afar, for so long. The second I saw him on stage I was star-struck. I remember thinking, “holy shit! I’m in the same room as Lee Evans!” At the end of the gig we waved to him from our seats and, I shit you not, he waved back. He does that every time he sees someone waving at him just, a living legend. I left that gig and my mouth was dry from all the laughing and face was in bits. I thought that it wasn’t possible for him to be funnier than that. 

The second gig, the same as the first. I still got the shock of “holy shit! I’m in the same room as Lee Evans!” but this time I left the gig with a t-shirt and a massive stitch that lasted 3 days. He actually managed it, he upped-the-funny. It was, unbelievable. How you can go from being “legendary” to being even more “legendary” is a mystery but it just goes to show you that he is one of the best.

Memory: My significant memory of him is his reaction during a gig, the first time the audience applauds one of his jokes. The shock, appreciation and gratitude in his face just makes me love him even more. Here is a man who has been doing comedy for decades and is still surprised when people applaud him. I’m not an idiot, I know it’s rooted to his feelings of inferiority and insignificance that he had as a child, I know his gigs are him trying to make everyone love him and him trying to gain some acceptance. I know – I’m a nerd. Since I began writing this, I have met Lee Evans, at his book signing in Edinburgh. 01/12/2011 – the day I met him (also my 18^th birthday). Not only did I achieve my dream of meeting him but I made him laugh. Me an 18 year old student made a professional comedian laugh – that was a very special moment for me. He was so humble and made sure he said “thank you my friend” to everyone who was there and he shook everyone’s hand. He’s adorable, charming and a funny man. I don’t think the reality of meeting him will ever truly sink in.

Michael McIntyre

Who: You know Michael McIntyre, he’s the camp, middle-class, English man who looks Chinese when he smiles. You know the one, he skips instead of walking; his hair has it’s own fan-page on Facebook. Anyway, he’s great. He uses a lot of the same sources as Lee Evans, for his material and never fails to get a laugh. He has fantastic material ranging from raising children to child abuse.  He replaced Simon Cowell as a judge on the last series of “Britain’s Got Talent” and I watched it. I can’t tell you who won but I can tell you Michael McIntyre took no prisoners when the folk auditioning were shit!

Gigs: I saw Michael McIntyre at his first gig in Aberdeen (in 2009) – should mention here, Aberdeen is not on the list of dates for his next tour. It was amazing, a lot of banter between him and certain audience members, brilliant material and fabulous night.

Memory: I went with my Dad, who did not like Michael McIntyre that much and just went because I invited him. My Dad, left that gig having burst out laughing numerous times (I’ll clarify that statement by informing you that my Dad is a silent-laugher). I left that gig with my Dad and he loved Michael McIntyre – this was my first fan recruitment.

Eddie Izzard

Who: Okay, you’d better be kidding me with this. Well, I’ll explain anyway. Eddie Izzard is an astounding comedian. His ‘random’ sounding delivery of material which is made up of highly intelligent and well thought out points, just brings you into his world. Often including impressions of animals, his material ranges from Wikipedia to Religion. He is one of the comedians I watch and listen to in order to learn. He gained the name “Marathon Man” in 2009 for completing 43 marathons in 51 days – with only 5 weeks training. He ended up raising more than £200,000 for Sport Relief.

Gig: I went to an Eddie Izzard gig in November 2009 with my Dad. I will admit, I was disappointed when he appeared on stage in a suit but he was wearing make-up so I forgave him. I laughed my way through that gig and enjoyed every second. I listened, laughed and learned (the 3 ‘L’s) and that was a great night.

Memory: This isn’t really a memory of him but it is something which meant a lot to me. My Dad gives off quite a homophobic vibe – ‘poof’ is used to describe weakness as far as he’s concerned – but he introduced me to Eddie Izzard. My Dad loves Eddie Izzard (who is a transvestite) and just the fact of this makes me happy, makes me think that if I ever come out to him, he might be okay with it.

Jimmy Carr

Who: Seriously, host of the show “Distraction”, host of “8 out of 10 Cats”, on tour all the fucking time! No? Looks like Hitler without the little moustache – there you go! You got it now. Jimmy Carr is a dark, sick and twisted comedian. He finds humour in many places and always challenges his audiences and tests their “level” – by this I mean, at the end of his gigs he tells some jokes with get progressively sicker as they go on, until he finds the one that no one laughs at. I think he’s brilliant. My family don’t like him – but who gives a fuck? More for me. At the end of his gigs, he does a signing – I don’t mean he stands and converses with deaf fans, I mean he signs tickets, programmes and stuff for the audience. If you don’t want anything signed, fine. He’s happy to have a chat with you for a couple of minutes. He’s said before that when he went to gigs the thing that made them great was meeting the comedian afterwards, and that’s why he does it. He doesn’t want his fans leaving and wanting more, he wants them to leave being laughed out and wanting to go home and not want anymore until the DVD comes out.

Gigs: I’ve seen Jimbo twice, both times in the Aberdeen Music Hall. He was my first “theatre gig”. The atmosphere at these gigs is amazing. You’d think that the more people there are the greater the atmosphere, but there’s something about these “smaller” gigs that makes them better than arenas. They are a lot more intimate and the interaction between the comedian and the audience is a lot easier and clearer – which is why Jimbo does these gigs. His comedy involves a lot of audience participation which is always BRILLIANT – although when some people take things too far it does get annoying. Both gigs were amazing. Both gigs made my face hurt from laughing. Both gigs were exactly what I want from a gig: great atmosphere; great crowd; insanely funny and very clever. That’s one thing a lot of people don’t think of when they hear the name “Jimmy Carr”. They think, dark, sick, funny but not many people take not of how clever he is. So, I’m appreciating his intelligence.

Memory: I have two that stand out. After the first gig I saw, I met him. My friend had her arm round me and he asked if we were a couple. We said no (because technically we weren’t) and he said, “oh, okay, thought we might have had a couple of scissor sisters here” – the thought of that moment never fails to make me smile

The second memory is of the second time I met him. He was having a chat and asked if I was at school, I said “just finished school” he replied with “nice” and put his fist out and I bumped it with mine. Nothing better than a white middle-class man in his 30’s being all “street”. Love him!

Russell Howard

Who: No need to explain. Everyone in the UK knows who Russell Howard is. He became a household name when he became a regular on “Mock the Week” and he also has his own programme on BBC3 called “Russell Howard’s Good News” where he basically rips the shit out of the news from that week. He has quite a “sick” sense of humour and most of his comedy is observational. He was the first comedian to make me cry with laughter. He’s young, he’s very smart and he is so damn funny.

Gig: I went with my Mum to see Russell Howard in March 2011. It – was – EPIC! My Mum hates being in crowds of people (because she has an anxiety disorder) but she actually managed to relax and enjoy herself in an arena filled with thousands of people because he was just that good! It was incredible. Any heckles (that could be heard properly) were dealt with masterfully by Mr Howard. A brilliant first gig of the year and just what I needed to lift my spirits.

Memory: First 5 minutes of the gig, I make a MASSIVE MISTAKE and take a drink of Diet Irn Bru. I don’t remember the joke he made but I can tell you that it was EPIC. And how can I tell you this? Well, I choked on that sip of juice to the extent that I almost threw up on the guy in front of me. It wasn’t pretty but that’s the defining moment of the gig for me – he’s so good I nearly threw up.

Jason Manford

Who: Funny guy from Manchester who makes jokes about shit that happened to him and shit that happened in general. Was a team captain on “8 Out of 10 Cats”, hosted “The OneShow” until he got fired for something that happened off-air, presented “ShowMe the Funny”. Don’t really know what else to say about him, to be honest.

Gig: I went to see Jason Manford in April 2011 with my mate Matthew. This gig was Matthew’s first comedy gig. He drove us to and from the gig and we had an AMAZING time. First off, we sat one row in front of where we were meant to be because some other folk sat in our seats so better view HELL YEAH. Then the show started and out comes Jason Manford with crutches – the dipshit broke his foot. He does his material, interval, more material then it’s over. A few heckled here and there but nothing he couldn’t handle.

Memory: This isn’t really of the gig but of the girl who was selling the ice cream during the interval. She was STUNNING!!!!! And as soon as Matthew found out I thought so, he made me go and talk to her because magically “he wanted ice cream”. So I went up to buy the ice cream, the (gorgeous) girl said the price and I said “do you have change for a twenty?” she went, “I do just now” and smiled at me. I got my change and his ice cream and made my way back to my seat. Matthew kept telling me that “that was flirting”. That girl was obviously straight but didn’t stop me trying.

Tim Minchin

Who: Not enough people have heard of this man. He is an absolute legend! English-born, Australian comedian who deals with Religion, alternative medicine, raising children and other rather dark topics in his material. His songs are beautifully written, his poems are incredible and his stand-up bits in between are brilliantly funny. I am a total lesbian but I so would! I have been known to state the following on a regular basis: “Tim Minchin’s voice is sex”. He is GORGEOUS!!!!! I heard him say in an interview-type-thing, “I hate my voice, I hate my fat chin...I can't play piano, I'm not a good Pianist, I will never be a good Pianist" I responded to this by yelling “FUCK OFF TIMBO YOUR VOICE IS SEX!!!!!” at my laptop. If ever there was a man on this planet who could “turn me” it would be Tim Minchin, or, as I have also referred to him, “Mr sex-on-legs-could-probably-turn-me-his-voice-is-sex Minchin”. His insecurity makes me appreciate his genius even more. He doesn’t get enough credit and I have dedicated part of my life to recruiting new fans for him (I’m up to 5 in two years. And however many those 5 recruit and so on, because without me they wouldn’t be recruited), that is how good he is. His song “The Fence” is my ringtone and I always smile anytime someone phones me and it starts to play.

Gig: I went to his gig in Aberdeen in April 2011 with Jess and we had the best time we’ve ever had together. After she saw him Jess said (out loud) “Oh my God he’s real” (or words to that effect). We were star-struck and during “Rock ‘n’ Roll Nerd” when the line “he doesn’t look good with his t-shirt off” was sung we looked at each other and, I know I thought, “bullshit”. At the gig you got a wristband with everything you bought. I ended up having 3 wristbands, I gave on to Jo-anna and one to Poppy, the one I have left I wear every single day.

Memory: My main memory regarding Timbo is looking at my Religious, Moral and Philosophical Studies prelim result, seeing the fact that I got an ‘A’ and thinking “Thank you Timbo”. This man, got me an ‘A’, my first ever ‘A’ in an exam. Then after the actual exam (when I got a ‘C’) they appealed me up to an ‘A’ because of that prelim.

Ellen Degeneres

Who: Okay, unless you’ve been living under a rock you know who Ellen is. She’s like Cher and Madonna, you only need to say her first name and everyone knows who you’re on about. American comedienne who changed the western world when she came out as gay – and no, that’s not an exaggeration. I love her! I first saw her name in the final credits of the movie “Finding Nemo” and then discovered her as a person (not a fish) during my initial struggle with my sexuality. She made things a lot easier for me just by existing and making me laugh.

Gigs: Not seen her live, probably never will but ah well.

Memory: During the times when I was severely bullied for being “the lesbian” at school, I was watching clips of Ellen’s stand-up on YouTube, just to cheer me up, and my Mum who had recently found out about the bullying saw the screen and said, “if you want people to stop thinking you’re gay you’d better not let them find out you like her”. Thanks Mum.

Billy Connolly

Who: You had better be fucking kidding me?!

Gig: I haven’t seen him live. I want to see him live, more than anything in the entire world. He’s the King.

Memory: The first time I saw one of his gigs on TV my brain exploded. The whole thing was so new to me that I could hardly take it in.

Comedians I want to see live before I/they die:

                Billy Connolly

                Lee Evans

                Tim Minchin

                Jimmy Carr

                Russell Howard

                Jason Manford

                Eddie Izzard

                Michael McIntyre

                Alan Carr

    Dara O’Briain

    Russell Kane

    Jack Whitehall

    Daniel Sloss

    Sarah Millican

    Robin Williams