My First Love

Can’t bring myself to hate you,

No matter how I’ve tried.

Regardless of all the pain,

And all the times I’ve cried.

I’d say you were the one,

If I believed it to be true.

But that’s exactly what you are,

Depending on your point of view.

The one who really knew me,

The one who stole my heart.

The one to build my confidence,

And then tear it all apart.

Left my self-esteem lower,

Than it was before.

Cheated and you lied,

Then you walked right out the door.

My heart was taken and shattered,

You put it to the test.

Forged the pieces into a dagger,

Then stabbed me in the chest.

Mind-games are your specialty,

Breaking hearts is just for fun.

And yet I don’t dislike you,

Even with all you’ve done.

I took some time away from you,

To recover from what took place.

And just as I began to heal,

You chose to show your face.

Some time later and here I am,

Exactly where I started.

Not a step forward has been made,

Since the day we parted.

I’ll move on and I’ll progress,

That’s what people say.

And every night I go to sleep,

I hope to see that day.

Though some feelings will remain,

That we can be sure of.

As that always happens.

With someone and their first love.

"How often do I tell you I love you?" "Every day, it's implied"

I was watching an amazing show last night. One of my favourites actually. “Criminal Minds”. If you haven’t heard of it go look it up; if you haven’t watched it well, I highly recommend it. It’s an amazing programme about a department of the FBI called the “Behavioural Analysis Unit” (BAU) – which is a real thing and the stories are based on real cases or at least inspired by them. The BAU are a team of people who look at the psychology behind crime and use previous research and their knowledge to build a profile of what a criminal would be like and this profile is then used to catch the criminal. It’s not always a happy ending but that’s part of the reason I like it, it also helps that Psychology is an astounding subject and I have a strange fascination with crime. Anyway, I cannot do this programme justice, just go watch it and this is not the point of this post.

During the episode “Exit Wounds” (S5E21), my ultimate favourite character in the history of characters, Penelope Garcia the Technical Analyst (played by the earth-shatteringly perfect Kirsten Vangsness) had a little heart-to-heart with her best friend (and co-worker) Derek Morgan. Now, usually I watch these two and I think “I would love a friendship like that”. In fact, I think I’ve spent most of my life looking for one person who would give me the kind of support that those two give each other. They have incredible banter but are more than capable of having serious conversations; they trust each other and love each other unconditionally. This time I watched it and thought “wait...I have that”.

I don’t know why but I relate to Garcia pretty well so naturally when thinking about having this kind of friendship I always looked for my “Morgan”. I was looking at it wrong. When I think about it I have more in common with Morgan than I do Garcia, and the more I think about it, the more I see it – his skills, his passion, his flirtatious nature and his past. Which is sad really – and anyone who knows the show will know why that’s sad – but if you’re going to be like anyone then why not a fiercely loyal crime fighter?

More to the point, here’s what struck me. Garcia is extremely funny; very intelligent; highly skilled at what she does; independent and creative. She wears bright colours and rarely wears weather appropriate clothing – she wears what she likes and likes what she wears. She’s an actress as well as a keyboard tapping genius. She’s got a troubled past but looks for the bright side in every situation because she knows how dark things can get. If you upset her you know about it. More to the point Garcia brings light into a room and a smile to everyone’s face and she’s a Whovian.

Morgan, on the other hand, is very flirtatious; witty; loyal; distrustful; passionate about what he does and he’s a martial artist. He protects the people he cares about without a thought to his own safety; he would do anything for his friends and is very secretive about his past and will only talk about it when he has to.

If you watch their relationship you’ll see that they flirt with each other frequently; while some see their relationship as inappropriate it’s just the way they communicate and they have fun. It doesn’t mean anything other than “I’m comfortable around you ergo banter time”

Examples of their flirting:

“Derek Morgan: You know that's not my thing. I'm more for in room entertainment. 
Penelope Garcia: Well, I can't help you there. But I do give good phone.”

“Derek Morgan: Every day I say 'Good morning' and every morning you say 'I'll show you a good morning, hotstuff.'”

“Derek Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I wanna hear. 
Penelope Garcia: You're a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder. 
Derek Morgan: How about something I don't already know. 
Penelope Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?”

Sexual harassment is not a thing as far as they are concerned. They can talk about work but you’re damn sure they’ll be laughing and joking no matter how bad the situation, it’s just what they do. In my opinion, there is no chance of them being anything more than friends which is good because that’s how they work best. They confide in and comfort each other. She finds out things about his past and it doesn’t change the way she sees him (which gives me hope for if I’m in that situation with my “Garcia”). He knows about her life and just appreciates the beauty she sees and the quirks she has.

People who know me will have probably worked out who my Garcia is and if that person is reading this, I hope they know too. To sum up this relationship: Garcia always brings a smile to Morgan’s face and constantly (if unintentionally) finds new ways to cheer him up and she is completely ignorant to just how fantastic she is (even though she makes jokes about her brilliance). And Morgan...well, he would do literally anything to protect her. Legal or otherwise. And you really don’t want to test the validity of that unless you have a very good Doctor.

Shits and (Excessive) Giggles

Some people like music: they go to concerts to see their favourite bands; they have posters of their favourite musicians on their walls and have their favourite song set as their ringtone. I like music too, I like to sing it, I like to play it (or try to anyway) and my ringtone – at one point – was a song written by my friend. I have been to one music concert (that wasn’t comedy – I’ll explain later) which was a Deep Purple gig (I’ve loved them since I had the ability to hear from the womb) and I have a poster of my favourite singer on my wall – Ian Gillan.

But since October 2008 I have been to NINE comedy gigs – arenas and theatres. I have posters of comedians on my walls and my ringtone is a song by a certain comedian (whom I shall tell you about later); the wallpaper on my phone is a photo of a comedian; the majority of my DVDs are stand-up comedy; I bring it into conversations; I quote comedians during arguments (which you will see if you read my blog on Christianity); I have used and still use comedians as revision for some tests and I NEVER stop thinking about it.

It’s the reason I get up in the morning; the cause of any smile on my face; the thing that gets me through the day; the thing that prevents me from sleeping; the reminder of how great things are and (to put it simply) it’s my life. Stand-up comedy. I love it! It’s the only thing that makes me truly accepted. It fascinates me, to no end – the way that one person can string words together and come up with comic-gold! It’s amazing.

People who say “I don’t like comedy” annoy the FUCK out of me – hey dipshit, you like to laugh, you like comedy. Think it through! I have a varied sense of humour. I love the light-hearted observational stuff (like Lee Evans) and I love the dark, twisted, sick-as-fuck stuff (like Jimmy Carr – who says everyone has their limit when it comes to dark humour, just so you know I haven’t found mine yet).

So, because comedy is so important to me, I thought I would write about my favourite comedians and tell you why I love them (some in a more obsessive way than others).

Lee Evans

Who: Lee Evans is a brilliant comic. He takes his material from various aspects of life and he can make anything funny – whether it’s chat lines or speed dating. He talks about family, sex, the general public, and observations he has made, and he does all of this whilst dashing around like a monkey(boy) on crack – his movements make his shows eye-catching and astounding. Then to finish off his show he gets the piano out and performs a song/songs that he has written. His modesty, humbleness and charm are clear throughout his performances and he always makes sure his fans know he loves us and he tells us that he knows how lucky he is. He genuinely doesn’t realise how much we love him – which just makes him even more adorable. He is Britain’s top comedian, he holds the world records and he tries new things. He was one of the first comedians to try out theatres; he was one of the first to move up to arenas and he was the first comedian to have his gig filmed in 3D.

Gigs: This man was my first live gig. He popped my live comedy-cherry and I don’t regret it one little bit. I remember asking my Dad for the tickets for this gig and to be honest I was shocked to get them because he didn’t even try to get them until 2 weeks after I asked. As soon as I found out I got them I was instantly texting my Auntie inviting her to come with me – she was almost as excited as me. Few months later the day arrived and after we went out for dinner we arrived at the arena and found our seats. Sat there in anticipation just waiting to see the man we had admired from afar, for so long. The second I saw him on stage I was star-struck. I remember thinking, “holy shit! I’m in the same room as Lee Evans!” At the end of the gig we waved to him from our seats and, I shit you not, he waved back. He does that every time he sees someone waving at him just, a living legend. I left that gig and my mouth was dry from all the laughing and face was in bits. I thought that it wasn’t possible for him to be funnier than that. 

The second gig, the same as the first. I still got the shock of “holy shit! I’m in the same room as Lee Evans!” but this time I left the gig with a t-shirt and a massive stitch that lasted 3 days. He actually managed it, he upped-the-funny. It was, unbelievable. How you can go from being “legendary” to being even more “legendary” is a mystery but it just goes to show you that he is one of the best.

Memory: My significant memory of him is his reaction during a gig, the first time the audience applauds one of his jokes. The shock, appreciation and gratitude in his face just makes me love him even more. Here is a man who has been doing comedy for decades and is still surprised when people applaud him. I’m not an idiot, I know it’s rooted to his feelings of inferiority and insignificance that he had as a child, I know his gigs are him trying to make everyone love him and him trying to gain some acceptance. I know – I’m a nerd. Since I began writing this, I have met Lee Evans, at his book signing in Edinburgh. 01/12/2011 – the day I met him (also my 18^th birthday). Not only did I achieve my dream of meeting him but I made him laugh. Me an 18 year old student made a professional comedian laugh – that was a very special moment for me. He was so humble and made sure he said “thank you my friend” to everyone who was there and he shook everyone’s hand. He’s adorable, charming and a funny man. I don’t think the reality of meeting him will ever truly sink in.

Michael McIntyre

Who: You know Michael McIntyre, he’s the camp, middle-class, English man who looks Chinese when he smiles. You know the one, he skips instead of walking; his hair has it’s own fan-page on Facebook. Anyway, he’s great. He uses a lot of the same sources as Lee Evans, for his material and never fails to get a laugh. He has fantastic material ranging from raising children to child abuse.  He replaced Simon Cowell as a judge on the last series of “Britain’s Got Talent” and I watched it. I can’t tell you who won but I can tell you Michael McIntyre took no prisoners when the folk auditioning were shit!

Gigs: I saw Michael McIntyre at his first gig in Aberdeen (in 2009) – should mention here, Aberdeen is not on the list of dates for his next tour. It was amazing, a lot of banter between him and certain audience members, brilliant material and fabulous night.

Memory: I went with my Dad, who did not like Michael McIntyre that much and just went because I invited him. My Dad, left that gig having burst out laughing numerous times (I’ll clarify that statement by informing you that my Dad is a silent-laugher). I left that gig with my Dad and he loved Michael McIntyre – this was my first fan recruitment.

Eddie Izzard

Who: Okay, you’d better be kidding me with this. Well, I’ll explain anyway. Eddie Izzard is an astounding comedian. His ‘random’ sounding delivery of material which is made up of highly intelligent and well thought out points, just brings you into his world. Often including impressions of animals, his material ranges from Wikipedia to Religion. He is one of the comedians I watch and listen to in order to learn. He gained the name “Marathon Man” in 2009 for completing 43 marathons in 51 days – with only 5 weeks training. He ended up raising more than £200,000 for Sport Relief.

Gig: I went to an Eddie Izzard gig in November 2009 with my Dad. I will admit, I was disappointed when he appeared on stage in a suit but he was wearing make-up so I forgave him. I laughed my way through that gig and enjoyed every second. I listened, laughed and learned (the 3 ‘L’s) and that was a great night.

Memory: This isn’t really a memory of him but it is something which meant a lot to me. My Dad gives off quite a homophobic vibe – ‘poof’ is used to describe weakness as far as he’s concerned – but he introduced me to Eddie Izzard. My Dad loves Eddie Izzard (who is a transvestite) and just the fact of this makes me happy, makes me think that if I ever come out to him, he might be okay with it.

Jimmy Carr

Who: Seriously, host of the show “Distraction”, host of “8 out of 10 Cats”, on tour all the fucking time! No? Looks like Hitler without the little moustache – there you go! You got it now. Jimmy Carr is a dark, sick and twisted comedian. He finds humour in many places and always challenges his audiences and tests their “level” – by this I mean, at the end of his gigs he tells some jokes with get progressively sicker as they go on, until he finds the one that no one laughs at. I think he’s brilliant. My family don’t like him – but who gives a fuck? More for me. At the end of his gigs, he does a signing – I don’t mean he stands and converses with deaf fans, I mean he signs tickets, programmes and stuff for the audience. If you don’t want anything signed, fine. He’s happy to have a chat with you for a couple of minutes. He’s said before that when he went to gigs the thing that made them great was meeting the comedian afterwards, and that’s why he does it. He doesn’t want his fans leaving and wanting more, he wants them to leave being laughed out and wanting to go home and not want anymore until the DVD comes out.

Gigs: I’ve seen Jimbo twice, both times in the Aberdeen Music Hall. He was my first “theatre gig”. The atmosphere at these gigs is amazing. You’d think that the more people there are the greater the atmosphere, but there’s something about these “smaller” gigs that makes them better than arenas. They are a lot more intimate and the interaction between the comedian and the audience is a lot easier and clearer – which is why Jimbo does these gigs. His comedy involves a lot of audience participation which is always BRILLIANT – although when some people take things too far it does get annoying. Both gigs were amazing. Both gigs made my face hurt from laughing. Both gigs were exactly what I want from a gig: great atmosphere; great crowd; insanely funny and very clever. That’s one thing a lot of people don’t think of when they hear the name “Jimmy Carr”. They think, dark, sick, funny but not many people take not of how clever he is. So, I’m appreciating his intelligence.

Memory: I have two that stand out. After the first gig I saw, I met him. My friend had her arm round me and he asked if we were a couple. We said no (because technically we weren’t) and he said, “oh, okay, thought we might have had a couple of scissor sisters here” – the thought of that moment never fails to make me smile

The second memory is of the second time I met him. He was having a chat and asked if I was at school, I said “just finished school” he replied with “nice” and put his fist out and I bumped it with mine. Nothing better than a white middle-class man in his 30’s being all “street”. Love him!

Russell Howard

Who: No need to explain. Everyone in the UK knows who Russell Howard is. He became a household name when he became a regular on “Mock the Week” and he also has his own programme on BBC3 called “Russell Howard’s Good News” where he basically rips the shit out of the news from that week. He has quite a “sick” sense of humour and most of his comedy is observational. He was the first comedian to make me cry with laughter. He’s young, he’s very smart and he is so damn funny.

Gig: I went with my Mum to see Russell Howard in March 2011. It – was – EPIC! My Mum hates being in crowds of people (because she has an anxiety disorder) but she actually managed to relax and enjoy herself in an arena filled with thousands of people because he was just that good! It was incredible. Any heckles (that could be heard properly) were dealt with masterfully by Mr Howard. A brilliant first gig of the year and just what I needed to lift my spirits.

Memory: First 5 minutes of the gig, I make a MASSIVE MISTAKE and take a drink of Diet Irn Bru. I don’t remember the joke he made but I can tell you that it was EPIC. And how can I tell you this? Well, I choked on that sip of juice to the extent that I almost threw up on the guy in front of me. It wasn’t pretty but that’s the defining moment of the gig for me – he’s so good I nearly threw up.

Jason Manford

Who: Funny guy from Manchester who makes jokes about shit that happened to him and shit that happened in general. Was a team captain on “8 Out of 10 Cats”, hosted “The OneShow” until he got fired for something that happened off-air, presented “ShowMe the Funny”. Don’t really know what else to say about him, to be honest.

Gig: I went to see Jason Manford in April 2011 with my mate Matthew. This gig was Matthew’s first comedy gig. He drove us to and from the gig and we had an AMAZING time. First off, we sat one row in front of where we were meant to be because some other folk sat in our seats so better view HELL YEAH. Then the show started and out comes Jason Manford with crutches – the dipshit broke his foot. He does his material, interval, more material then it’s over. A few heckled here and there but nothing he couldn’t handle.

Memory: This isn’t really of the gig but of the girl who was selling the ice cream during the interval. She was STUNNING!!!!! And as soon as Matthew found out I thought so, he made me go and talk to her because magically “he wanted ice cream”. So I went up to buy the ice cream, the (gorgeous) girl said the price and I said “do you have change for a twenty?” she went, “I do just now” and smiled at me. I got my change and his ice cream and made my way back to my seat. Matthew kept telling me that “that was flirting”. That girl was obviously straight but didn’t stop me trying.

Tim Minchin

Who: Not enough people have heard of this man. He is an absolute legend! English-born, Australian comedian who deals with Religion, alternative medicine, raising children and other rather dark topics in his material. His songs are beautifully written, his poems are incredible and his stand-up bits in between are brilliantly funny. I am a total lesbian but I so would! I have been known to state the following on a regular basis: “Tim Minchin’s voice is sex”. He is GORGEOUS!!!!! I heard him say in an interview-type-thing, “I hate my voice, I hate my fat chin...I can't play piano, I'm not a good Pianist, I will never be a good Pianist" I responded to this by yelling “FUCK OFF TIMBO YOUR VOICE IS SEX!!!!!” at my laptop. If ever there was a man on this planet who could “turn me” it would be Tim Minchin, or, as I have also referred to him, “Mr sex-on-legs-could-probably-turn-me-his-voice-is-sex Minchin”. His insecurity makes me appreciate his genius even more. He doesn’t get enough credit and I have dedicated part of my life to recruiting new fans for him (I’m up to 5 in two years. And however many those 5 recruit and so on, because without me they wouldn’t be recruited), that is how good he is. His song “The Fence” is my ringtone and I always smile anytime someone phones me and it starts to play.

Gig: I went to his gig in Aberdeen in April 2011 with Jess and we had the best time we’ve ever had together. After she saw him Jess said (out loud) “Oh my God he’s real” (or words to that effect). We were star-struck and during “Rock ‘n’ Roll Nerd” when the line “he doesn’t look good with his t-shirt off” was sung we looked at each other and, I know I thought, “bullshit”. At the gig you got a wristband with everything you bought. I ended up having 3 wristbands, I gave on to Jo-anna and one to Poppy, the one I have left I wear every single day.

Memory: My main memory regarding Timbo is looking at my Religious, Moral and Philosophical Studies prelim result, seeing the fact that I got an ‘A’ and thinking “Thank you Timbo”. This man, got me an ‘A’, my first ever ‘A’ in an exam. Then after the actual exam (when I got a ‘C’) they appealed me up to an ‘A’ because of that prelim.

Ellen Degeneres

Who: Okay, unless you’ve been living under a rock you know who Ellen is. She’s like Cher and Madonna, you only need to say her first name and everyone knows who you’re on about. American comedienne who changed the western world when she came out as gay – and no, that’s not an exaggeration. I love her! I first saw her name in the final credits of the movie “Finding Nemo” and then discovered her as a person (not a fish) during my initial struggle with my sexuality. She made things a lot easier for me just by existing and making me laugh.

Gigs: Not seen her live, probably never will but ah well.

Memory: During the times when I was severely bullied for being “the lesbian” at school, I was watching clips of Ellen’s stand-up on YouTube, just to cheer me up, and my Mum who had recently found out about the bullying saw the screen and said, “if you want people to stop thinking you’re gay you’d better not let them find out you like her”. Thanks Mum.

Billy Connolly

Who: You had better be fucking kidding me?!

Gig: I haven’t seen him live. I want to see him live, more than anything in the entire world. He’s the King.

Memory: The first time I saw one of his gigs on TV my brain exploded. The whole thing was so new to me that I could hardly take it in.

Comedians I want to see live before I/they die:

                Billy Connolly

                Lee Evans

                Tim Minchin

                Jimmy Carr

                Russell Howard

                Jason Manford

                Eddie Izzard

                Michael McIntyre

                Alan Carr

    Dara O’Briain

    Russell Kane

    Jack Whitehall

    Daniel Sloss

    Sarah Millican

    Robin Williams

                

Unleash the pathetic romantic inside.

She walks into the room and once you catch sight of her you can’t look away. The sound fades into the distance as she moves. She looks in your direction and smiles and you can’t believe it. The most beautiful girl in the history of female-kind actually smiled at you. The light hits her perfectly from every angle. Her face is flawless and her body is fantastic. All you want to do is go and say “hi” but your brain has made it quite clear that she is out of your league, so it has dismissed your legs from action. No matter how much you want to go and introduce yourself, you cannot stand up. By the time your brain accepts that you’ve had enough time to think it through and prepare yourself for the oncoming rejection, it allows your legs to return to duty. You wait for her to be done talking or to be by herself and you slowly make your way over. As you approach she looks up at you, you reach where she is and you say, “hi” and the extent of your relationship is dependent on her next action, one second feels like a millennium and then she does it. The thing you’ve been waiting for. She smiles.

*

That moment, just before it happens. Two minds connect and share a common goal. Both know what the other is thinking and what they wish they weren’t. The idiotic sentences build up and there is only one thing keeping you from saying them: that smart, funny, astonishingly beautiful vision of absolute perfection. You run your hand through her hair and gently caress her face. You gaze into those beautiful eyes and suddenly there is no one else in the world – just you and her. The world is silent and you wish your brain was too. You could move in now if you wanted to and she wouldn’t mind – but you wait, let the tension build, wait for her to make a move and just before she does, you move in. It’s the dance of two lovers, no rehearsal needed because you both already know the steps. You pull back and she smiles at you before she comes back for more. Completely in sync with each other. Knowing what the other will do next and what they really want to do. But the noise of the world is lingering in the background so advancing is almost impossible.

*

The eyes meet and are soon followed by the lips, but this time it’s different. Because after a while a surge of heat fills both of your bodies and the passion increases. You slowly undo the buttons of her shirt and let it glide off of her skin. You admire the beauty that you have infront of you and try to accept the fact that she wants you too. Your lips work their way from the top of her neck down to her waist, where you unfasten her jeans to continue your journey. Her skin is soft and smooth as your lips discover her thighs. Her breathing changes as you gently introduce your teeth. She begins tearing off your clothes and you surrender to the animal you had been restraining. The feeling as your skin feels hers for the first time; your bodies intertwine and you work as one. You aim to please her and listen as her breathing becomes heavier and at the first hint of her making a sound you know you’re on the right path. And as she reaches the quivering climax, you know that in about a minute you’re about to go again.

*

The shouting. The feeling of a bomb ticking away inside you. Knowing that you’re about to explode into a fit of rage and drag up every little annoying thing about her. Totally aware that everything you say will hurt her but you say it anyway. Saying things you know you don’t mean just because it will make her feel another blade in her heart. Doing as much damage to her ego as you possibly can. Tearing her down and shredding every ounce of confidence she has, just because you can. During every moment you feel guilty, you feel dreadful and you feel like a monster but instead of stopping, you do more because she’s doing her fair share of damage too. But why are you doing this to her? Because you’re scared. You care and feel so strongly about her that is terrifies you and you want to focus on all of her bad points to stop you from doing the one thing that you’re too afraid to even think about. You shred her to pieces because maybe it will make her hate you so much that she leaves and never looks back. You do as much damage as possible because if you bring every bad moment to light then maybe she won’t seem so brilliant. The only problem is that for every pathetic, tiny, bad thing about her there are (at least) 10 amazingly brilliant things but you can’t think about them. Because you know that if you think about any of her good points then you will fall for her and the knowledge that falling in love with her is inevitable scares the shit out of you. So you just keep fighting. And you know she is the one for you because the next morning, she’s still there.

*

It’s another incredible day with the closest thing to perfection you have ever seen. She’s lying, cuddled into you, watching some random crap on the TV, that’s only on because neither of you are paying much attention to it. You talk to each other as you normally do, occasionally mentioning how shit the TV is but neither of you bother to change the channel. She says something cute and you laugh at how child-like she can seem at times. You mention her child-like qualities and she calls you a paedo, so you attack her and begin to play fight, after you’re finished you lie back down in the same position and kiss the top of her head. She rolls over to face you and makes you look at her. You’re expecting her to kiss you, and she does but what you don’t expect is the thing she does before. She opens her mouth and declares the most powerful phrase she ever could. Her voice is quiet as she says; “I love you”. Your brain goes into meltdown at the shock of what she has said and the only abilities you have left are to smile, and kiss her just before you reply with, “I love you too”.

Goals and Ambitions

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want in life; my ultimate goals both professionally and personally. And when it came down to it, I actually surprised myself with what I truly want. I might be a lesbian who is on the Trans spectrum but I’m actually quite old fashioned with some of my aspirations. I had the idea to write this post and thought I’d ask a friend of mine about her goals, in some of these areas. So, here are my goals followed by Jo-Anna's just to show the differences between two (very similar) 17 year olds.

Professional Goals:

University

Me: In a few weeks I will be starting university to do a BSc in Behavioural Sciences. Now I haven’t even started the course yet but if all goes to plan and I manage it I want to go on to do a Masters degree. The subject of my Masters will depend on how I get on with my BSc. It’ll either be something to do with Media, Crime/Law or Psychology. After that’s completed I hope to continue on to do a PhD. Obviously, I hope to develop my social skills and all the usual shit that goes along with University life but I’m mainly focusing on the educational aspect. It might not happen but it’s good to hope right? I don’t know why but I love education and working towards things so this plan makes sense just now, but things change. So nothing is concrete.

Jo-Anna: I want to go to university for however long my course lasts, which is 4 years. I'll hopefully end up with an honours degree. And the only things I want out of it are a good time and the qualifications, and then a good job.

Employment 

Me: I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was two years old. But now I’m not sure. I have many different passions and I’m not sure which one to follow. I could end up being a teacher; I could go into Psychology; some form of writing; LGBT issues; crime/law or maybe even a combination of each. I have no idea but I have time to work that out so it’s not necessary to know – exactly what I want to do – right now.

Jo-Anna: I want to be some kind of journalist. Preferably media related.

Personal Goals:

Health

Me: I’ve been dealing with many issues for a while and my main life goal is to get healthy. I hope to get over my OCD, depression and everything that comes with them and live a happier and more secure life. Kind of a boring one but I want to get there and just generally develop and more positive outlook.

Jo-Anna: I want to be healthy...

Kuk Sool Won

I’m on the right track to meeting the goals I have for Kuk Sool. I want to become a Master and open my own school (preferably in that order). I want to use my school to reach out to the LGBT community to help them defend themselves when it comes to hate crime and to build up the confidence of people who have already been attacked. I also hope to reach out to victims of domestic abuse, rape and other acts of violence in order to help them feel more confident in themselves and to help them feel safer in public. Basically, I want to use what I know and what I am good at to help people. And who knows, this might actually happen.

Love Life

This one surprised me and is where the old fashioned-ness really starts to show. I am awful when it comes to commitment. When things start to get serious I get scared and try to find a way out. The most common escape plan given to me by my darling brain is boredom. My brain makes me perceive my girlfriend as boring, so I end it and run for the hills. But when I actually stopped and thought about it I realised that, commitment is the one thing I want. You know how most people see their Grandparents showing affection to each other (whether it is holding hands, giving each other a little kiss or flirting with each other across the dinner table) disgusting and just a horrible thought to have? I don’t. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m not biologically related to my Grandpa, but when I see him and my Grandma flirting or anything like that I think it’s adorable. I look at them and I think “that is what I want. I want to be 70 years old and so happy with my wife that I don’t even notice other women.”  I want a wife, with whom I can spend the rest of my life. Funny that, I’m all for change and for diversity but I’m rather conventional.

Jo-Anna: I'd like to meet someone eventually, settle down etc. but in the meantime I’m fine with just living life until that point.

Family

This one was easy. I’m good with children and I want one. I don’t want to give birth though, I want to adopt. I mean, if the Mrs wants to physically have a child then I won’t stop her but I, personally, feel that there are so many children out there who are waiting for good homes that I would feel like a bad person if I didn’t even try to give one of them that. But the number of children I don’t really mind. I’d love to just have one boy but I wouldn’t object to more.

I don’t know if I’d be a good parent – I mean, I’m good with kids on a short term basis but who knows what they’ll be like with their own kids? I know one thing though; if/when I have a child I refuse to be one of those parents who misses half of their child’s life because of work. I don’t want to come home one day and find my child gone and a complete stranger sitting in their place. It may sound really stupid to know all of this by the age of 17 but I’ve had these feelings about having children for about 7 years and if I write all of these things down then maybe they will actually happen.

Pets? Rottweiler. People say they aren’t good with kids but that’s a load of shit! If you train a dog properly then it will be fine. Plus, I think they’re gorgeous.

Jo-Anna: As a general rule I don’t like kids but as I get older I might like the idea of having my own... but I don’t know.

Pets. I love pets. I love dogs so they're definitely on the wish list. And if I'm rich and famous I'd definitely have a horse or three.

While I was thinking about all of this, I realised something about myself. I am totally influenced by my Grandpa and all of my goals come from him. He is so proud of me for going to University because I’m the first person in my (biological) family to go and (if all works out) get a degree. He wants me to do the best I possibly can and make the most of everything which is why I want to get my PhD – just to make him proud.

Employment, health, Kuk Sool Won and love life come down to him telling me to be happy above everything else. Me wanting a child is because he wants great-grandchildren and doesn’t think he’ll be around to meet them (he’s kind of morbid sometimes). He doesn’t know I’m gay and I am more afraid to tell him than I am anyone else but even with the knowledge that he may reject me; I still want him to be proud. I want him to have Great-grandchildren before he dies (because he never fails to remind us that he won’t be around forever) because he’d be great with them! And I would love for any child I have to be able to meet him because he is an amazing man. I know it probably won’t happen, but I can dream right?

I've Found the Love of My Life

I have to admit, I am one of the luckiest people on the face of the Earth. I am only seventeen years of age and already I have found my true love, my reason to get up in the morning, the focal point of my entire life and the only constant presence I will have until the day I die. And this unfathomably, complex beauty is Kuk Sool Won.

For those of you who don’t know, Kuk Sool Won is a martial arts system which brings together different aspects of the martial arts history of Korea. And it is EPIC!!!!!!!!!!

People have asked me questions like, “Why do you do Kuk Sool?”; “What makes it different from Karate and stuff?” and “Why do you like it so much?” These questions have a common answer, which is: The Pledge. Obviously, the pledge isn’t the reason I started Kuk Sool, but it is one of the main reasons I still do it and love it.

Kuk Sool Won has a pledge which every student has to make and stick to. It consists of four parts.

“1. As a member of the Kuk Sool Won, I pledge to obey the rules of

the association and to conduct myself in accordance

with the true spirit of martial arts.” 

This bit is the student promising to respect all other members of the Association and all people outside of it. In Kuk Sool Won the most important thing is etiquette. You address other members by “sir” or “ma’am” depending on their sex or if they are a black belt candidate (Dahn Boh Nim) or above you can address them with their title. The lower belts respect the higher ones and the higher ones respect the lower belts equally – in Kuk Sool Won your belt only displays your knowledge of the system and your progress through it, not the amount of respect you get. We have no hierarchy, in that way.

“2. I pledge to be loyal to my country and to promote

the  development of a better society.”

No need to explain this but just in case it’s saying – obey the law, respect your country and do everything you can to help create a more positive society.

“3. I pledge to work together with all classes of people

without regard to politics, race or religion.”

This one is my favourite. All links back to the etiquette thing but it just explains that if you are going to be a Kuk Sool Won student you must accept and respect everyone, regardless of where they are from; what they believe or who they are.

“4. I pledge to promote international goodwill and strive for

 world peace through the practice of martial arts.”

Again, basically states: be as positive and loving as you can in order to reduce conflict and make the world a happier place to be.

I think the real question is: How could I not love a system that promotes acceptance and does not allow prejudice to appear in it’s schools?

Now, another reason I love this sexy-bitch. The fact that I have met and made friends with a range of people because of Kuk Sool Won, and half of those people I would never have thought to associate with in any other circumstance. In the school I go to, there is a man from Cambridge who is/was in the Air Training Corps; there is another guy who studied Sport and Fitness Management and a girl who is currently studying Sports and Health Sciences – tell me, where would I have met and maintained a relationship with these people outside of Kuk Sool?

 Every member of Kuk Sool Won – in your school and the others – is extremely friendly. For example; in May this year I was at the Scottish Championships. I competed, got my medal and afterwards one of our judges (who’s name I cannot remember) came over to me and my friend and was chatting to us. She found out that by next year I would be in her age group and she said, “Well, we can compete together next year then”. A (lovely) woman who I had never spoken to before, turned round and said we could be techniques partners at the next Championships – that is huge (for me anyway). I’ll explain why. In a competition, when you do techniques on someone, if they fall like a sack of shit then you get marked down. Your partner has to be able to fall properly in order for it to look good and get you the best marks possible. That woman who said we could compete together has never seen me doing break falls (because I didn’t do techniques this year) yet she still said that. She may have just been being nice but that is still a massive amount of faith to have in someone. At competitions, I’ve had conversations with people – who I’d never met before – for hours. It genuinely, does not matter who you are or where you’re from. And those are people outside of my school.

Within my school there are people who I only see in class yet I trust them with my life – true I don’t trust them the same way I trust my other friends (like with problems I have etc.) but it’s a weird bond there. People I know from Kuk Sool tell me things even though they don’t know me that well; they talk to me about stuff in their lives and they only see me once or twice a week! I don’t know how that would happen in any other situation. I mean, I have regular conversations with a Mother of two children under the age of 12, and we get on really well and have a laugh – tell me how I would find myself in that situation without Kuk Sool?

At Kuk Sool, I don’t feel the pressure of hiding who I am (even though I’m doing it) because there’s always something happening and people don’t really care. It’s something I find difficult to explain. Plus, the banter between people is brilliant!

One thing that is repeated over and over and really forced through (and the phrase I hear more often than, “how are you?”) is:

“We need more practise”

This is further proof of why I absolutely adore Kuk Sool Won. There is no such thing as being perfect and no one ever expects you to be. There is always some improvement you can make, and because of this, members (should) practise everything they have been taught – even Masters practise everything from white belt level up. This phrase has become my motto for life. I absolutely love it. I’ve applied it to everything in my life. Examples? Okay.

·         A relationship is having problems – need to work at it – practise.

·         Struggling in a subject at school – need to get help – practise.

·         A joke you try out doesn’t work – need to fix it – practise.

Everything I do can be improved with practise. That’s why people often think I’m a perfectionist. The fact is I – kind of – am. I like to make everything as good as it possibly can be. My writing; my friendships; the organisation of my things and (of course) my Kuk Sool Won, along with many other things. I will admit, my OCD does have a lot to do with it but the phrase, “we need more practise” is key in me being content in my life. If I know I’m trying my hardest and working at everything to the best of my ability then I can’t be disappointed at my efforts.

At Kuk Sool Won your effort is recognised; your ability is praised and people are always willing to help you improve on anything you’re stuck with. This is really important for me as (people who know me will agree) I am naturally very self-deprecating so having people (who know what they are talking about) telling me how I’m getting on and getting this constant feedback reduces my negativity and boost my confidence and self-belief. Totally selfish reasons to love something but what ever.

So, that is basically why I am so passionate about Kuk Sool Won. I could probably say more about why it’s the most incredible thing on the planet and why I think everyone should at least give it a go. But I don’t think I could ever do it justice. I’ve got my little family in there who treat me with kindness and respect (as I do, them); I’ve gained new experiences and better social skills because of them and I’m part of this huge network of people who respect me and are as polite to me as I am to them. And to think, this is all down to one incredible man who is dedicated to promoting love and respect and making the world a better place. That just blows my mind.

I love Kuk Sool Won with all my heart and I know it will remain a part of my life until the day I die. If I wasn’t serious about that then I wouldn’t be getting the logo tattooed on me, would I?

Pick a number and I'll tell you why you're in my heart

Pick a number and I’ll tell you why you’re in my heart.

I have a handful of people who have impacted my life substantially. And although each impact has been in a different way they have all been beneficial. There’s a thing called “overcompensation” that everyone knows about – it’s the guy who buys a flashy car in order to make up for his lack of inches; it’s the extremely closeted lesbian who overly flirts with guys to stop people from working out that she’s gay. My method of overcompensation is my sense-of-humour, my sensitivity (which isn’t my strongest point) and my attempt at giving advice and helping my friends with things. I try to do these things with all of my friends but with the people this is about, I try to do it extremely well because I feel I’m getting a better deal than they are. And these are the reasons that these people deserve this special treatment...

Number 3: For some reason we just clicked a couple of months ago and we’ve been pretty close since then. You’re a total bitch (so proud) who never misses an opportunity to rip the shit out of me for certain things (you know who and what I mean) but you only do it for a laugh. We have our own “little” jokes and we’ve shared a few bitching sessions. You’re a fast learner when it comes to “ding” and I love the banter that comes with it. I know people who can make me laugh but I don’t know anyone who can make me smile like you do – you have this natural charm that just makes people happy, but you do make me laugh as well. One person has described us as being “joined at the hip” which I’m not going to complain about. You’re a strong, intelligent, kind, funny, gorgeous guy who needs to give himself more credit. I envy you for quite a few things, one being that you get all the girls – grrr – but mostly I envy your strength, although I also admire you for it. Your lack of knowledge about just how great you are is one of your most endearing qualities. It’s not been long since our friendship began but it’s progressed rapidly, you are the “Jack” to my “Karen” and I love you to bits. I honestly can’t imagine my life without you now.

Number 4: This time last year we were just beginning our regular banter. Who’d have thought that we’d be here now? You are the funniest guy I know and you have (unknowingly) helped me through really hard times just by using your sense of humour. You’ve brought me into a group of the kindest, most accepting people I’ve ever met and introduced me to another amazing friend – who, without you, I never would’ve met. We’ve had one bust up in the time we’ve been properly friends – which is good going by my standards – but even that couldn’t keep me away from you for long.  You’re a total legend and an absolute babe and the best boss any King/Chief could ask for. You are my gay husband and an absolute star and if we were both men I’d marry you :P

Number 7: You’ve been there for me through the extreme lows and never lost patience with me during the stubborn (and extremely miserable) conversations. You’ve backed me up when I’ve come into conflict with certain “sensitive” people and you’ve always been there when I need to rant and rave about them. We have regular bitches about common annoyances and we collectively investigated a certain person looking for evidence to back up our “theory” about him and his Transformers. You can be quite slow (which I often point out – in a funny, non-offensive kind of way) but you can come out with lines that I would be proud of. We worked together on a project that meant the world to me and we took on the work of the whole group in order to get it done properly and on time. You also tolerated my bitchy, dictatorship in that project and reminded me to have fun with it as well. You’re a hard worker, a good friend and someone who appreciates my worship of Tony. You’re also my workout buddy – occasionally and (even though we regularly discuss your lack of brain cells) we both know you’ve got a fully functioning and intelligent head on those shoulders (above your neck obviously – that phrase pisses me off).

Number 9: I can honestly say you are my most trusted friend. I’ve told you things I have never trusted anyone else enough to tell them and I haven’t got a single ounce of regret about telling you – which is something new. You have – without knowing it – vastly reduced my self-loathing and the shame I had about my sexuality, and you have given me an extreme boost of pride. Our (minor) telepathic connection makes conversations with you practically unnecessary and if it wasn’t for the vast amounts of entertainment I get from having them then we wouldn’t need to bother because we could both (accurately)predict the other’s remarks. You seem to trust me with things and you tolerate my worst habits without becoming too aggravated. You have quick wit (sometimes), you’re insanely gorgeous and you have a dazzling smile – you’re also going to hate me for saying this, but fuck it. My life has improved greatly since you’ve become a major part of it and I hope you continue to be in my life for as long as you can tolerate me and all my insecurities, paranoia, excessive rambling and inappropriate humour when I become nervous – which I know can be annoying.

Number 11: Wow! We just seemed to get each other on a humour basis. The banter could go on for a long time because we both knew the other was kidding and we both knew where the line was. And your great qualities didn’t stop there. As I got to know you a little more I began to see the more sensitive side to you: the loyal friend and pushy match-maker. The praise you get from a certain mutual friend of ours (you know who I’m talking about) made me want to know you more and the support you’ve shown her and the kindness you’ve shown me has significantly improved my opinions of the straight community. Your extreme intelligence makes me jealous (which I’m not ashamed to admit) and I hope the banter keeps on rolling. I should also add, you are rather hot – waste of a girl (JOKES, you are hot but you know...awkward...).

Number 24: Well, what can I say that you don’t already know? We have quite a bit of history – mostly good. We’ve shared moments of humour, moments with a more serious tone and some I will never forget. We’ve annoyed the shit out of each other at times and disagreed on things but our friendship has remained intact through all of that. You’ve been an important part of my life and I’ll treasure (most of) my memories of you forever.

Bad Guys Shouldn't Win!

An 18 year old boy has killed himself due to a live feed of a sexual encounter he had, with a guy, being broadcast live by his roommate. I am astounded! Absolutely gobsmacked!

How does this even come into someone’s head? How does broadcasting someone else’s intimate moment even resemble a good idea?!? Does anyone know how that seems like a good idea? Those “friends” need their brains rewired.

And no, I am not angry about this just because the victim was gay. I am appalled and angered by this because it is an invasion of privacy; it is wrong AND because of this next bit. The boy who committed suicide was in the closet, his sexuality was a secret. He asked to have the room to himself until midnight so he could have some privacy. Now, the two people that set of the broadcast were his friends, so when they saw that this boy was kissing a guy they would have realised that he is gay and the thought should have entered their brain “he never told us, so it’s a secret and we should respect that” but did they think that? Did they fuck! Instead of the “respect our friend” thought they had the “let’s out him by setting up a live broadcast for the whole world to see”. Fucking idiots!

How can they call themselves friends after doing that?

People say suicide is selfish and cowardly. I couldn’t disagree more! If a person has been pushed to an extent where death seems like the only option, they are anything but cowardly. If you know anyone that has considered committing suicide but changed their minds at the last minute, you might find that they didn’t go through with it as they were too scared to jump, tie that knot, pick up the knife or pop those pills.

The people that do commit suicide are not cowards and they are not selfish. They have been pushed to their limit and feel as though they have no way out. They are depressed and in a lot of mental and/or physical pain and they do not deserve to be thought of as the bad ones. Why not look at the people that pushed them to suicide? Why do people look at the victims and say “oh that’s just selfish. Why didn’t they think about their family and friends??? Piss off you ignorant pricks! These people are VICTIMS. Come on say it with me, sound it out V-I-C-T-I-M-S!!! Their family and friends are the least of their worries at this point. They are stressed about what’s going to happen to them next time they go to school or work or just out in public. They have been verbally/physically attacked regularly for a long time yet you hear about them killing themselves and the first thing you think is “selfish”. First thing I think of when I hear a suicide story is “Oh My God! Poor Boy/Girl”.

Anyone out there that knows of someone that is considering suicide or maybe you are thinking about it yourself. I am begging you. Please don’t! I know how you feel. Trust me, I know. But I have it on good authority that it gets better! Please don’t miss out on your chance to be happy and in 10 years the people that attack you, will be fat, bald and living a life of loneliness and heartbreak. You are so much better than them. The only thing they have going on in their heads is a limited supply of offensive bullshit and when that runs out they have nothing whereas you have everything going for you. You know that people deserve love and equality, you know that education, love and acceptance are the ways we will improve this world. You know this and if you do commit suicide that is one more brilliant person gone while those bastards are still around. The good guys always win. Those are the rules and you are a good-guy (or girl).

I’ll be honest, I don’t know if it does get better but I’ll let you in on a little secret. The thing that keeps me going is curiosity. I want to find out if it does get better. I mean surely if so many people make videos and ads for it then there has to be some truth to it...so why don’t you stick around and we can find out together?
xx

Without You

With you there were no nightmares, no hard times, no pain.

It's because you walked away from me that I feel it all again.

I feel the tears roll down my cheek, the ones you used to dry.

I feel no arms around me, when I begin to cry.

The love you used to give me, the light you used to bring

It all faded along with the songs you used to sing.

Your smile broke a thousand hearts but set my soul alight

Your eyes, like the ocean in the sun, sparkled day and night.

These memories of us, make it harder to let you go

To hear you speak about this girl, whom you barely even know.

My heart is aching, my body is cold

And I'm wishing and dreaming that I could have you to hold.

If she is what you want then I have to say goodbye

But before you go maybe you could just tell me why.

Why did you end it when we'd only just begun?

Why did you leave me if you think I'm 'so much fun'?

Why did you say you love me then leave without a care?

Why did you even bother with me, do you really think it's fair?

For these questions, you have no answers, no reasons, no because

And now that you’ve gone my world is still, I’m permanently on pause.

Tricked

Her hair brushes her warm face
As she turns to smile at me
Eyes glittering and with a spring in her step
She makes her way over
The sun guides her across the room
As I return her smile I feel her arms around me
And I melt
As she pulls away I feel a sharp pain
I put my hand to my back
It returns red and dripping
She throws her head back and cackles
Eyes ablaze
And her nails like daggers
I'm trapped in a flaming circle

Tricked once more by a devil in
disguise...