My First Love

Can’t bring myself to hate you,

No matter how I’ve tried.

Regardless of all the pain,

And all the times I’ve cried.

I’d say you were the one,

If I believed it to be true.

But that’s exactly what you are,

Depending on your point of view.

The one who really knew me,

The one who stole my heart.

The one to build my confidence,

And then tear it all apart.

Left my self-esteem lower,

Than it was before.

Cheated and you lied,

Then you walked right out the door.

My heart was taken and shattered,

You put it to the test.

Forged the pieces into a dagger,

Then stabbed me in the chest.

Mind-games are your specialty,

Breaking hearts is just for fun.

And yet I don’t dislike you,

Even with all you’ve done.

I took some time away from you,

To recover from what took place.

And just as I began to heal,

You chose to show your face.

Some time later and here I am,

Exactly where I started.

Not a step forward has been made,

Since the day we parted.

I’ll move on and I’ll progress,

That’s what people say.

And every night I go to sleep,

I hope to see that day.

Though some feelings will remain,

That we can be sure of.

As that always happens.

With someone and their first love.

"How often do I tell you I love you?" "Every day, it's implied"

I was watching an amazing show last night. One of my favourites actually. “Criminal Minds”. If you haven’t heard of it go look it up; if you haven’t watched it well, I highly recommend it. It’s an amazing programme about a department of the FBI called the “Behavioural Analysis Unit” (BAU) – which is a real thing and the stories are based on real cases or at least inspired by them. The BAU are a team of people who look at the psychology behind crime and use previous research and their knowledge to build a profile of what a criminal would be like and this profile is then used to catch the criminal. It’s not always a happy ending but that’s part of the reason I like it, it also helps that Psychology is an astounding subject and I have a strange fascination with crime. Anyway, I cannot do this programme justice, just go watch it and this is not the point of this post.

During the episode “Exit Wounds” (S5E21), my ultimate favourite character in the history of characters, Penelope Garcia the Technical Analyst (played by the earth-shatteringly perfect Kirsten Vangsness) had a little heart-to-heart with her best friend (and co-worker) Derek Morgan. Now, usually I watch these two and I think “I would love a friendship like that”. In fact, I think I’ve spent most of my life looking for one person who would give me the kind of support that those two give each other. They have incredible banter but are more than capable of having serious conversations; they trust each other and love each other unconditionally. This time I watched it and thought “wait...I have that”.

I don’t know why but I relate to Garcia pretty well so naturally when thinking about having this kind of friendship I always looked for my “Morgan”. I was looking at it wrong. When I think about it I have more in common with Morgan than I do Garcia, and the more I think about it, the more I see it – his skills, his passion, his flirtatious nature and his past. Which is sad really – and anyone who knows the show will know why that’s sad – but if you’re going to be like anyone then why not a fiercely loyal crime fighter?

More to the point, here’s what struck me. Garcia is extremely funny; very intelligent; highly skilled at what she does; independent and creative. She wears bright colours and rarely wears weather appropriate clothing – she wears what she likes and likes what she wears. She’s an actress as well as a keyboard tapping genius. She’s got a troubled past but looks for the bright side in every situation because she knows how dark things can get. If you upset her you know about it. More to the point Garcia brings light into a room and a smile to everyone’s face and she’s a Whovian.

Morgan, on the other hand, is very flirtatious; witty; loyal; distrustful; passionate about what he does and he’s a martial artist. He protects the people he cares about without a thought to his own safety; he would do anything for his friends and is very secretive about his past and will only talk about it when he has to.

If you watch their relationship you’ll see that they flirt with each other frequently; while some see their relationship as inappropriate it’s just the way they communicate and they have fun. It doesn’t mean anything other than “I’m comfortable around you ergo banter time”

Examples of their flirting:

“Derek Morgan: You know that's not my thing. I'm more for in room entertainment. 
Penelope Garcia: Well, I can't help you there. But I do give good phone.”

“Derek Morgan: Every day I say 'Good morning' and every morning you say 'I'll show you a good morning, hotstuff.'”

“Derek Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I wanna hear. 
Penelope Garcia: You're a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder. 
Derek Morgan: How about something I don't already know. 
Penelope Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?”

Sexual harassment is not a thing as far as they are concerned. They can talk about work but you’re damn sure they’ll be laughing and joking no matter how bad the situation, it’s just what they do. In my opinion, there is no chance of them being anything more than friends which is good because that’s how they work best. They confide in and comfort each other. She finds out things about his past and it doesn’t change the way she sees him (which gives me hope for if I’m in that situation with my “Garcia”). He knows about her life and just appreciates the beauty she sees and the quirks she has.

People who know me will have probably worked out who my Garcia is and if that person is reading this, I hope they know too. To sum up this relationship: Garcia always brings a smile to Morgan’s face and constantly (if unintentionally) finds new ways to cheer him up and she is completely ignorant to just how fantastic she is (even though she makes jokes about her brilliance). And Morgan...well, he would do literally anything to protect her. Legal or otherwise. And you really don’t want to test the validity of that unless you have a very good Doctor.

Pick a number and I'll tell you why you're in my heart

Pick a number and I’ll tell you why you’re in my heart.

I have a handful of people who have impacted my life substantially. And although each impact has been in a different way they have all been beneficial. There’s a thing called “overcompensation” that everyone knows about – it’s the guy who buys a flashy car in order to make up for his lack of inches; it’s the extremely closeted lesbian who overly flirts with guys to stop people from working out that she’s gay. My method of overcompensation is my sense-of-humour, my sensitivity (which isn’t my strongest point) and my attempt at giving advice and helping my friends with things. I try to do these things with all of my friends but with the people this is about, I try to do it extremely well because I feel I’m getting a better deal than they are. And these are the reasons that these people deserve this special treatment...

Number 3: For some reason we just clicked a couple of months ago and we’ve been pretty close since then. You’re a total bitch (so proud) who never misses an opportunity to rip the shit out of me for certain things (you know who and what I mean) but you only do it for a laugh. We have our own “little” jokes and we’ve shared a few bitching sessions. You’re a fast learner when it comes to “ding” and I love the banter that comes with it. I know people who can make me laugh but I don’t know anyone who can make me smile like you do – you have this natural charm that just makes people happy, but you do make me laugh as well. One person has described us as being “joined at the hip” which I’m not going to complain about. You’re a strong, intelligent, kind, funny, gorgeous guy who needs to give himself more credit. I envy you for quite a few things, one being that you get all the girls – grrr – but mostly I envy your strength, although I also admire you for it. Your lack of knowledge about just how great you are is one of your most endearing qualities. It’s not been long since our friendship began but it’s progressed rapidly, you are the “Jack” to my “Karen” and I love you to bits. I honestly can’t imagine my life without you now.

Number 4: This time last year we were just beginning our regular banter. Who’d have thought that we’d be here now? You are the funniest guy I know and you have (unknowingly) helped me through really hard times just by using your sense of humour. You’ve brought me into a group of the kindest, most accepting people I’ve ever met and introduced me to another amazing friend – who, without you, I never would’ve met. We’ve had one bust up in the time we’ve been properly friends – which is good going by my standards – but even that couldn’t keep me away from you for long.  You’re a total legend and an absolute babe and the best boss any King/Chief could ask for. You are my gay husband and an absolute star and if we were both men I’d marry you :P

Number 7: You’ve been there for me through the extreme lows and never lost patience with me during the stubborn (and extremely miserable) conversations. You’ve backed me up when I’ve come into conflict with certain “sensitive” people and you’ve always been there when I need to rant and rave about them. We have regular bitches about common annoyances and we collectively investigated a certain person looking for evidence to back up our “theory” about him and his Transformers. You can be quite slow (which I often point out – in a funny, non-offensive kind of way) but you can come out with lines that I would be proud of. We worked together on a project that meant the world to me and we took on the work of the whole group in order to get it done properly and on time. You also tolerated my bitchy, dictatorship in that project and reminded me to have fun with it as well. You’re a hard worker, a good friend and someone who appreciates my worship of Tony. You’re also my workout buddy – occasionally and (even though we regularly discuss your lack of brain cells) we both know you’ve got a fully functioning and intelligent head on those shoulders (above your neck obviously – that phrase pisses me off).

Number 9: I can honestly say you are my most trusted friend. I’ve told you things I have never trusted anyone else enough to tell them and I haven’t got a single ounce of regret about telling you – which is something new. You have – without knowing it – vastly reduced my self-loathing and the shame I had about my sexuality, and you have given me an extreme boost of pride. Our (minor) telepathic connection makes conversations with you practically unnecessary and if it wasn’t for the vast amounts of entertainment I get from having them then we wouldn’t need to bother because we could both (accurately)predict the other’s remarks. You seem to trust me with things and you tolerate my worst habits without becoming too aggravated. You have quick wit (sometimes), you’re insanely gorgeous and you have a dazzling smile – you’re also going to hate me for saying this, but fuck it. My life has improved greatly since you’ve become a major part of it and I hope you continue to be in my life for as long as you can tolerate me and all my insecurities, paranoia, excessive rambling and inappropriate humour when I become nervous – which I know can be annoying.

Number 11: Wow! We just seemed to get each other on a humour basis. The banter could go on for a long time because we both knew the other was kidding and we both knew where the line was. And your great qualities didn’t stop there. As I got to know you a little more I began to see the more sensitive side to you: the loyal friend and pushy match-maker. The praise you get from a certain mutual friend of ours (you know who I’m talking about) made me want to know you more and the support you’ve shown her and the kindness you’ve shown me has significantly improved my opinions of the straight community. Your extreme intelligence makes me jealous (which I’m not ashamed to admit) and I hope the banter keeps on rolling. I should also add, you are rather hot – waste of a girl (JOKES, you are hot but you know...awkward...).

Number 24: Well, what can I say that you don’t already know? We have quite a bit of history – mostly good. We’ve shared moments of humour, moments with a more serious tone and some I will never forget. We’ve annoyed the shit out of each other at times and disagreed on things but our friendship has remained intact through all of that. You’ve been an important part of my life and I’ll treasure (most of) my memories of you forever.

Familiar Stranger

Your face and smile look so familiar

But we’ve never even met.

I don’t remember seeing you,

And it’s not something I’d forget.

I’ve seen your eyes somewhere before,

I see you laugh and know the sound,

I don’t know what to think anymore.

You give me comfort and joy

I went looking for a nice girl

But I found a gorgeous boy.

I was sure what I was, but you’re a mind changer,

Knowing you already isn’t a major issue,

I’m happy with you being a familiar stranger...