Feelings are strange things. They basically control your life. If you don’t feel happy then you don’t put much energy into what you’re doing, but on the other hand, if you’re in the best mood you’ve ever been in then everything is going to go a lot better.
Unfortunately it’s not all that black and white. Sometimes I wish it was. I wish I could have one feeling about one thing, not five different ones for the same thing. But at the same time, I’m glad that there are more than just two options. I’m glad that there is a spectrum and that you don’t need to be in either field, you can sit on the fence and be as ambivalent as you like – which just goes to prove my point.
I have a relativist morality. I don’t have one rule to fit all circumstances. People that know me would be shocked at that. They’d think I’d have at least one concrete rule of: no discrimination. But the fact is, without discrimination there would be no sexuality, no prison sentences, no law. Everyone discriminates against people – who you are attracted to, is discrimination, otherwise you would be attracted to everyone. Without discrimination you wouldn’t know right from wrong, you couldn’t punish someone for murder, for example, as you’d be treating them differently to everyone else – for something which cannot be 100% proved to be their fault. If you see the word “paedophile” I bet the first feeling you have is negative. You’re probably disgusted by the people who fall in that label and you’d never associate with any of them – that’s discrimination. The type(s) of music you’re into and the friends you have all come down to you not liking other kinds of music and not associating with all types of people – discrimination. Our entire social-world is based on discrimination, without it there would be no individuality as everyone would like everything and everyone.
Some people would say that if sexuality didn’t exist then that would be a good thing as there would be no problems with equality and no homophobia/heterosexism. And I agree. But I also believe that my sexuality has made me the person I am today. I faced rejection, isolation, exclusion and abuse simply for being attracted to the same sex. It has caused me to feel deep depression and even more self-loathing than I had before. And even though I feel terrible most of the time, I don’t think I would change it, if I could. Think about it, if I can go through 4 years of constant abuse and still get decent grades and still be alive (even though it’s hard to stay that way) then I can do anything. I can be a strong person and fight for my right to be here. I can stand in the centre of town and kiss my girlfriend without caring what anyone is saying about me because I’ve heard it all before. I take on any challenge and tackle it head on. I don’t give up on anything, I try to see the good in people and more to the point, because of my experiences I never dismiss the idea of associating with someone due to one thing about them that I might not like – I try getting to know them and seeing if we have things in common.
While I do have extreme self-esteem issues and I have developed the good old fashioned defence mechanism which pushes people as far away as possible and means I make fun of them a lot, my confidence level in public places is about 0% and my self-love is so low it makes the North Pole look like Barbados, there have been some benefits. I am quite confident in myself during a confrontation or when it comes to defending other people, I believe in myself when it comes to humour as it’s one thing I rarely fail to achieve, I’m not as shy about kissing a girl in public or holding her hand because – thanks to a certain number of black belts I know and a charming Librarian – I know I can take them on. I know that when it comes right down to it, as long as there is someone else with me, I can take on anyone because I’ll be defending them. And even though I like being on my own, I don’t trust myself enough to fight back if I got attacked so I am constantly in company - which, even though the motive is bad the end results are good as it means I have stronger relationships with my friends. I know that when someone else is being bullied or harassed, I can cheer them up and back them all the way through it. My confidence, love and pride of my sexuality come from there. They come from the fact that because I’m gay, I did go through (and still am going through) a lot of abuse and torment and I know how that felt. Because of this, I know how other people would feel and I definitely know I don’t want any of my friends to feel that way.
Yes, I look like a major hypocrite. A good friend of mine isn’t allowed to not eat properly as she’ll damage herself, but it’s okay for me to drag sharp pieces of plastic along my arm because it’s me...I don’t matter. She matters – she’s important. Her parents make fun of her but they don’t do it to be horrible, she has a good relationship with her Mum and a sustainable one with her Dad. She has more confidence with people than I do – she can actually look people in the eye when she’s talking to them. I can’t even look her in the eye when I talk to her. It’s pathetic.
Even though I have confidence, love and pride in myself and my sexuality and I feel lucky to be this way. I also have deep shame, fear and depression due to it as well. I keep trying to tell myself “Being gay isn’t the problem, people are the problem” but it doesn’t work. My brain seems to follow the idea of Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. I was coping before I was publicly gay, then I came out and now I want to die. Therefore, I want to die because I am out.
Internal conflict is rarely good but this one is horrible. Mainly because I agree with both sides, I am completely on the fence about this – some days I’m on the “I’m proud, I’m going to be openly gay and teach in a secondary school” side, other days I’m on the “I’ll be a teacher but they don’t need to know” side and then all the other days I chop and change between the two.
Apparently, as soon as I leave school, everything will get better. I highly doubt it. All of the negative feelings I have towards myself – which keep getting stronger – are not going to go away overnight. I’m going to have to see a doctor and I will probably end up on medication but it’s needed. I know I shouldn’t want to die and I know I should remember how it feels to be happy. I don’t remember being properly happy – I know I can put myself on a bit of a high but after about an hour it fades and the darkness rolls back in.
Maybe I would be better off with a husband and 2.4 kids. But I know I’d be happier with a wife and 2.4 kids.
Unfortunately it’s not all that black and white. Sometimes I wish it was. I wish I could have one feeling about one thing, not five different ones for the same thing. But at the same time, I’m glad that there are more than just two options. I’m glad that there is a spectrum and that you don’t need to be in either field, you can sit on the fence and be as ambivalent as you like – which just goes to prove my point.
I have a relativist morality. I don’t have one rule to fit all circumstances. People that know me would be shocked at that. They’d think I’d have at least one concrete rule of: no discrimination. But the fact is, without discrimination there would be no sexuality, no prison sentences, no law. Everyone discriminates against people – who you are attracted to, is discrimination, otherwise you would be attracted to everyone. Without discrimination you wouldn’t know right from wrong, you couldn’t punish someone for murder, for example, as you’d be treating them differently to everyone else – for something which cannot be 100% proved to be their fault. If you see the word “paedophile” I bet the first feeling you have is negative. You’re probably disgusted by the people who fall in that label and you’d never associate with any of them – that’s discrimination. The type(s) of music you’re into and the friends you have all come down to you not liking other kinds of music and not associating with all types of people – discrimination. Our entire social-world is based on discrimination, without it there would be no individuality as everyone would like everything and everyone.
Some people would say that if sexuality didn’t exist then that would be a good thing as there would be no problems with equality and no homophobia/heterosexism. And I agree. But I also believe that my sexuality has made me the person I am today. I faced rejection, isolation, exclusion and abuse simply for being attracted to the same sex. It has caused me to feel deep depression and even more self-loathing than I had before. And even though I feel terrible most of the time, I don’t think I would change it, if I could. Think about it, if I can go through 4 years of constant abuse and still get decent grades and still be alive (even though it’s hard to stay that way) then I can do anything. I can be a strong person and fight for my right to be here. I can stand in the centre of town and kiss my girlfriend without caring what anyone is saying about me because I’ve heard it all before. I take on any challenge and tackle it head on. I don’t give up on anything, I try to see the good in people and more to the point, because of my experiences I never dismiss the idea of associating with someone due to one thing about them that I might not like – I try getting to know them and seeing if we have things in common.
While I do have extreme self-esteem issues and I have developed the good old fashioned defence mechanism which pushes people as far away as possible and means I make fun of them a lot, my confidence level in public places is about 0% and my self-love is so low it makes the North Pole look like Barbados, there have been some benefits. I am quite confident in myself during a confrontation or when it comes to defending other people, I believe in myself when it comes to humour as it’s one thing I rarely fail to achieve, I’m not as shy about kissing a girl in public or holding her hand because – thanks to a certain number of black belts I know and a charming Librarian – I know I can take them on. I know that when it comes right down to it, as long as there is someone else with me, I can take on anyone because I’ll be defending them. And even though I like being on my own, I don’t trust myself enough to fight back if I got attacked so I am constantly in company - which, even though the motive is bad the end results are good as it means I have stronger relationships with my friends. I know that when someone else is being bullied or harassed, I can cheer them up and back them all the way through it. My confidence, love and pride of my sexuality come from there. They come from the fact that because I’m gay, I did go through (and still am going through) a lot of abuse and torment and I know how that felt. Because of this, I know how other people would feel and I definitely know I don’t want any of my friends to feel that way.
Yes, I look like a major hypocrite. A good friend of mine isn’t allowed to not eat properly as she’ll damage herself, but it’s okay for me to drag sharp pieces of plastic along my arm because it’s me...I don’t matter. She matters – she’s important. Her parents make fun of her but they don’t do it to be horrible, she has a good relationship with her Mum and a sustainable one with her Dad. She has more confidence with people than I do – she can actually look people in the eye when she’s talking to them. I can’t even look her in the eye when I talk to her. It’s pathetic.
Even though I have confidence, love and pride in myself and my sexuality and I feel lucky to be this way. I also have deep shame, fear and depression due to it as well. I keep trying to tell myself “Being gay isn’t the problem, people are the problem” but it doesn’t work. My brain seems to follow the idea of Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. I was coping before I was publicly gay, then I came out and now I want to die. Therefore, I want to die because I am out.
Internal conflict is rarely good but this one is horrible. Mainly because I agree with both sides, I am completely on the fence about this – some days I’m on the “I’m proud, I’m going to be openly gay and teach in a secondary school” side, other days I’m on the “I’ll be a teacher but they don’t need to know” side and then all the other days I chop and change between the two.
Apparently, as soon as I leave school, everything will get better. I highly doubt it. All of the negative feelings I have towards myself – which keep getting stronger – are not going to go away overnight. I’m going to have to see a doctor and I will probably end up on medication but it’s needed. I know I shouldn’t want to die and I know I should remember how it feels to be happy. I don’t remember being properly happy – I know I can put myself on a bit of a high but after about an hour it fades and the darkness rolls back in.
Maybe I would be better off with a husband and 2.4 kids. But I know I’d be happier with a wife and 2.4 kids.
