Anon hate: Cut it out!

Recently, whilst browsing around, I came across this post:

                                      Since this message was aimed at a teenager this post will be about teenagers

Now, I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Some shameful coward trolling through social networking sites looking for the next target for his/her spiteful venom. The things that get said are rarely accurate and are often laughed off because of their pathetic tone. Others, like this, actually hurt people. And usually when I see these things I am silently disgusted but this time something was different. I am sick of seeing this kind of attitude online; I’m tired of hearing it outside and I am fed up of it existing.

If someone has scars from self-harming, it should be clear that their self-esteem isn’t great so anything, like that message, said to them is going to have some kind of negative impact. But what really gets to me about this message is the claim that no one with scars will be loved. No decent, right-minded person is going to leave someone or reject them just because they have scars.

Self-harm scars are not a factor in whether I love someone or not. It’s whether they send messages like this. If you send a message like this then I do not want you in my life, in any way. People with this kind of attitude are twisted.

NEWSFLASH! Self-harming does not make you a bad person; it does not define you as a person and it definitely isn’t disgusting - the reasons behind you feeling that way are, your way of dealing with it whilst staying alive is not. That’s not to say that someone’s scars aren’t important - the scars show you there’s a story to be told. The scars tell you that this person has been pushed to their limit and they show that this person is not perfect and things haven’t been easy but they are strong and they are a fighter and they are worth every second of your time. That doesn’t mean I recommend it as a coping method, I definitely do not – each individual injury helps you cope but only for two seconds (if that), in the long run it just makes you feel worse.

“Scars remind us of where we’ve been they don’t have to dictate where we’re going”. Those words sum up my feelings on this exactly. A person’s scars, be they physical or otherwise, do not determine their life and they should not be the reason you reject someone. I know for a fact that someone’s scars can be one of the reasons you love them.

Messages like the one I showed you are often sent by people anonymously which says a lot about them. Because while they have these thoughts and they’re happy to share them, they’re too scared to admit that they are this vile because they know that for every person they send this to there are thousands of people who will see it and send them messages back and they aren’t big enough to take it.

This blog may not be my best, it may not have funny moments like I put in others, it may not even be good at all but I really don’t care. I couldn’t make it funny – I could put a long ranting list of insults up about that anon. who posted the message that inspired this but I won’t. I could say that I’m surprised he/she managed to stop dragging their knuckles long enough to learn how to use a computer, but I won’t. Messages like that one make me angry, they show the ignorance some people have about self-harm and the shallow attitude towards love. If you reject someone just because they have self-harm scars then you are not worthy of that person anyway. To the anon. who wrote that message, I hope you put all of your money on that bet because you’re going to lose.

"The Fence".

Feelings are strange things. They basically control your life. If you don’t feel happy then you don’t put much energy into what you’re doing, but on the other hand, if you’re in the best mood you’ve ever been in then everything is going to go a lot better.

Unfortunately it’s not all that black and white. Sometimes I wish it was. I wish I could have one feeling about one thing, not five different ones for the same thing. But at the same time, I’m glad that there are more than just two options. I’m glad that there is a spectrum and that you don’t need to be in either field, you can sit on the fence and be as ambivalent as you like – which just goes to prove my point.

I have a relativist morality. I don’t have one rule to fit all circumstances. People that know me would be shocked at that. They’d think I’d have at least one concrete rule of: no discrimination. But the fact is, without discrimination there would be no sexuality, no prison sentences, no law. Everyone discriminates against people – who you are attracted to, is discrimination, otherwise you would be attracted to everyone. Without discrimination you wouldn’t know right from wrong, you couldn’t punish someone for murder, for example, as you’d be treating them differently to everyone else – for something which cannot be 100% proved to be their fault. If you see the word “paedophile” I bet the first feeling you have is negative. You’re probably disgusted by the people who fall in that label and you’d never associate with any of them – that’s discrimination. The type(s) of music you’re into and the friends you have all come down to you not liking other kinds of music and not associating with all types of people – discrimination. Our entire social-world is based on discrimination, without it there would be no individuality as everyone would like everything and everyone.

Some people would say that if sexuality didn’t exist then that would be a good thing as there would be no problems with equality and no homophobia/heterosexism. And I agree. But I also believe that my sexuality has made me the person I am today. I faced rejection, isolation, exclusion and abuse simply for being attracted to the same sex. It has caused me to feel deep depression and even more self-loathing than I had before. And even though I feel terrible most of the time, I don’t think I would change it, if I could. Think about it, if I can go through 4 years of constant abuse and still get decent grades and still be alive (even though it’s hard to stay that way) then I can do anything. I can be a strong person and fight for my right to be here. I can stand in the centre of town and kiss my girlfriend without caring what anyone is saying about me because I’ve heard it all before. I take on any challenge and tackle it head on. I don’t give up on anything, I try to see the good in people and more to the point, because of my experiences I never dismiss the idea of associating with someone due to one thing about them that I might not like – I try getting to know them and seeing if we have things in common.

While I do have extreme self-esteem issues and I have developed the good old fashioned defence mechanism which pushes people as far away as possible and means I make fun of them a lot, my confidence level in public places is about 0% and my self-love is so low it makes the North Pole look like Barbados, there have been some benefits. I am quite confident in myself during a confrontation or when it comes to defending other people, I believe in myself when it comes to humour as it’s one thing I rarely fail to achieve, I’m not as shy about kissing a girl in public or holding her hand because – thanks to a certain number of black belts I know and a charming Librarian – I know I can take them on. I know that when it comes right down to it, as long as there is someone else with me, I can take on anyone because I’ll be defending them. And even though I like being on my own, I don’t trust myself enough to fight back if I got attacked so I am constantly in company - which, even though the motive is bad the end results are good as it means I have stronger relationships with my friends. I know that when someone else is being bullied or harassed, I can cheer them up and back them all the way through it. My confidence, love and pride of my sexuality come from there. They come from the fact that because I’m gay, I did go through (and still am going through) a lot of abuse and torment and I know how that felt. Because of this, I know how other people would feel and I definitely know I don’t want any of my friends to feel that way.

Yes, I look like a major hypocrite. A good friend of mine isn’t allowed to not eat properly as she’ll damage herself, but it’s okay for me to drag sharp pieces of plastic along my arm because it’s me...I don’t matter. She matters – she’s important. Her parents make fun of her but they don’t do it to be horrible, she has a good relationship with her Mum and a sustainable one with her Dad. She has more confidence with people than I do – she can actually look people in the eye when she’s talking to them. I can’t even look her in the eye when I talk to her. It’s pathetic.

Even though I have confidence, love and pride in myself and my sexuality and I feel lucky to be this way. I also have deep shame, fear and depression due to it as well. I keep trying to tell myself “Being gay isn’t the problem, people are the problem” but it doesn’t work. My brain seems to follow the idea of Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. I was coping before I was publicly gay, then I came out and now I want to die. Therefore, I want to die because I am out.

Internal conflict is rarely good but this one is horrible. Mainly because I agree with both sides, I am completely on the fence about this – some days I’m on the “I’m proud, I’m going to be openly gay and teach in a secondary school” side, other days I’m on the “I’ll be a teacher but they don’t need to know” side and then all the other days I chop and change between the two.

Apparently, as soon as I leave school, everything will get better. I highly doubt it. All of the negative feelings I have towards myself – which keep getting stronger – are not going to go away overnight. I’m going to have to see a doctor and I will probably end up on medication but it’s needed. I know I shouldn’t want to die and I know I should remember how it feels to be happy. I don’t remember being properly happy – I know I can put myself on a bit of a high but after about an hour it fades and the darkness rolls back in.

Maybe I would be better off with a husband and 2.4 kids. But I know I’d be happier with a wife and 2.4 kids.